Assalamualaikum and good afternoon. I am now in DVM 5, which is my final year of vet school. Okay, the past few months have been crazy for me. Despite that, i feel like everything in my life has been shifted in a good way where i am better able to discover myself and truly value things and people in my life.
Here's this, life is crazy and always will be. I am living proof of that. As a summary, i will never tolerate the people i once tolerated before. I dont see myself thriving as a person when im around certain people. I will not be scared to admit this but if i dont talk or look at you, then we are done.
You have costed my mental health. You have cause shedding of tears. I will never spend all of this anymore on the people i thought valued me in the past.
I have been doing things and discovering things alone and i love it.
To the people who impacted my life in a bad way, get the fuck out and STAY the fuck out of my life.
Wednesday, September 25, 2019
Tuesday, June 11, 2019
in my head.
Salam and hi everyone. Right now, I have never felt more alone. I feel so hollow. Some say that I need professional help. honestly, i dont think i need one. i just dont appreciate the people around me enough for me to feel content. i dont appreciate people enough to see that they do love me. i keep seeking love from one person, and one person only. i let that person define my worth and that was the biggest mistake i could ever do to myself. because i wasnt so used to receiving love from other people, when people pour some of it into me, i start to only see it coming from one person and one person only. where is my self worth? what is wrong with me?
but, i have to realise that everything that is happening is because Allah loves me. a friend said, "Allah uji sebab Allah sayang", and i started crying even more because i dont see things that way. i just think that all the bad and the good comes from me, when actually Allah is the one controlling it all. i have to realise that Allah is saving me from what could be the worst thing in my life. worthlessness. emptiness. be sad because you were ungrateful, instead of being sad because of the situation itself.
i should appreciate some time for myself. maybe, this is exactly what i need (:
but, i have to realise that everything that is happening is because Allah loves me. a friend said, "Allah uji sebab Allah sayang", and i started crying even more because i dont see things that way. i just think that all the bad and the good comes from me, when actually Allah is the one controlling it all. i have to realise that Allah is saving me from what could be the worst thing in my life. worthlessness. emptiness. be sad because you were ungrateful, instead of being sad because of the situation itself.
i should appreciate some time for myself. maybe, this is exactly what i need (:
Wednesday, May 29, 2019
Ramadhan, are you leaving?
hi and salam everyone! today, as im procrastinating in studying equine medicine, i shall write a few of my thoughts regarding my ramadhan experience this year. first of all, alhamdulillah, Allah gave me the opportunity to experience ramadhan once again this year as i realise that many dont have the opportunity to because it's their time to be called back home before/in the holy month of ramadhan. Alhamdulillah.
I was always so worried about myself and my ibadaah. i know that i have always been inconsistent in maintaining it. i dont want to give reasonings such as lack of time, it's not compulsory etc etc as an excuse when actually im just plain lazy. the fear is there and i think it will always stay that way. it's beautiful how in ramadhan you can see people trying their best to become better, and i hope that i can be one of those people. frankly, up until today (24 ramadhan), i am still inconsistent with my ibadah but i know that it is improving as compared to before. therefore, i pray very hard for istiqamah in my ibadaah. with the people around me supporting me in my change, i can never thank Allah enough. He is the best and He will always want the best for me.
yesterday, my friends and I went to kuala lumpur to settle our visa applications for our bangladesh trip this end of june. i remember the conversation we had in the car before zuhur prayer,
friend 1: so where should we go?
friend 2: i dont mind, im not from here. anywhere should be fine.
me: we can have a go at utm. and just look around their campus.
friend 1: okay, lets go
*went around utm, being mesmerised as it is small campus but hey, they are equipped with everything + they have a mall just for the students and everything is cheap!*
friend 1: so where should we go next?
me: can we go to the mosque and take a quick afternoon nap? i'll get moody if i dont
friend 2: oh i guess we're the same then, i must sleep for a bit
friend 1: hmm which mosque do you guys prefer?
friend 2: dont they have a mosque in utm?
me: yeah! they must have
friend 1: oh they do, lets go
we took a short, 20 minutes nap just before zuhur prayer. after the azan, we prayed. while waiting for my other 2 friends, i decided to read the quran as i am way left behind. i figured, it's okay if i dont get to finish the quran, it is as long as i still try. if i dont try, my ramadhan would be wasted. as i was reading the quran, one friend joined and then comes the other. and in that moment, i remember having a smile on my face. it was very mutual, it was very spiritual, it was just a different level of connection.
i could go on and on about what i went through this whole month, but the short story above basically reflects everything. why?
1) we went to busy busy KL to settle our visa applications. this indirectly reflects the fact that we had classes of long hours during ramadhan as well as clinical rotations. this just reflects how busy we are in carrying our daily responsibilities as a student.
2) we took some time off from our daily responsibilities by taking a quick nap, praying and reading the quran. it is a direct reflection of what we've ALL been doing this ramadhan. it's just a way of God telling us that, "why not take a rest with me? i'll be here for you". because immediately after we take a break, we feel energised again to proceed with our daily undertakings.
it's just beautiful.
before i close off this entry, i just want to remind myself and everyone else that although eid is around the corner, the last 10 nights of ramadhan is very essential, very spiritual and very intimate. so let us finish this ramadhan off beautifully with practicing good deeds so that we will have a blast during hari raya aidilfitri. no guilt, just a lot of fun!
I was always so worried about myself and my ibadaah. i know that i have always been inconsistent in maintaining it. i dont want to give reasonings such as lack of time, it's not compulsory etc etc as an excuse when actually im just plain lazy. the fear is there and i think it will always stay that way. it's beautiful how in ramadhan you can see people trying their best to become better, and i hope that i can be one of those people. frankly, up until today (24 ramadhan), i am still inconsistent with my ibadah but i know that it is improving as compared to before. therefore, i pray very hard for istiqamah in my ibadaah. with the people around me supporting me in my change, i can never thank Allah enough. He is the best and He will always want the best for me.
yesterday, my friends and I went to kuala lumpur to settle our visa applications for our bangladesh trip this end of june. i remember the conversation we had in the car before zuhur prayer,
friend 1: so where should we go?
friend 2: i dont mind, im not from here. anywhere should be fine.
me: we can have a go at utm. and just look around their campus.
friend 1: okay, lets go
*went around utm, being mesmerised as it is small campus but hey, they are equipped with everything + they have a mall just for the students and everything is cheap!*
friend 1: so where should we go next?
me: can we go to the mosque and take a quick afternoon nap? i'll get moody if i dont
friend 2: oh i guess we're the same then, i must sleep for a bit
friend 1: hmm which mosque do you guys prefer?
friend 2: dont they have a mosque in utm?
me: yeah! they must have
friend 1: oh they do, lets go
we took a short, 20 minutes nap just before zuhur prayer. after the azan, we prayed. while waiting for my other 2 friends, i decided to read the quran as i am way left behind. i figured, it's okay if i dont get to finish the quran, it is as long as i still try. if i dont try, my ramadhan would be wasted. as i was reading the quran, one friend joined and then comes the other. and in that moment, i remember having a smile on my face. it was very mutual, it was very spiritual, it was just a different level of connection.
i could go on and on about what i went through this whole month, but the short story above basically reflects everything. why?
1) we went to busy busy KL to settle our visa applications. this indirectly reflects the fact that we had classes of long hours during ramadhan as well as clinical rotations. this just reflects how busy we are in carrying our daily responsibilities as a student.
2) we took some time off from our daily responsibilities by taking a quick nap, praying and reading the quran. it is a direct reflection of what we've ALL been doing this ramadhan. it's just a way of God telling us that, "why not take a rest with me? i'll be here for you". because immediately after we take a break, we feel energised again to proceed with our daily undertakings.
it's just beautiful.
before i close off this entry, i just want to remind myself and everyone else that although eid is around the corner, the last 10 nights of ramadhan is very essential, very spiritual and very intimate. so let us finish this ramadhan off beautifully with practicing good deeds so that we will have a blast during hari raya aidilfitri. no guilt, just a lot of fun!
Sunday, May 26, 2019
Update.
hi everyone. wow, it's been so long since i wrote anything on here. but, i'm back here mostly because i am trying my best to not go back to the socials. why? because it took so much of my time. i know some will disagree and say that i cant prioritise well. but hey, if its not good for me, its not good for me and there's that. also, i've been feeling so much better without it.
anyway, the reason for my writing is just to express how i'm feeling. i want to stop depending on other people to care for how i feel. you cant force people to care about you, they also have things to think about. lately, i have been feeling so lonely. there are always people around me, maybe not the right ones? i have no idea and i really don't have a say in this. it gets confusing because sometimes i prefer being alone which leads me to blame myself on why i feel lonely most of the time. but then again, if i'm surrounded by the wrong people no matter how hard i try, i will still feel lonely.
it gets so much worse when i am on my period. i am already insecure as it is, when i am on my period, the feeling just doubles. i have tried multiple things to distract myself, i want to feel good all the time but most of the time, i just end up crying my feelings out. it gets really sad because i realise that i have no one to talk to. most of the time, i feel sorry for myself and just end up distancing myself from people even more. this semester has been crazy for me. i feel more like myself, i feel more comfortable in my own skin now but in reality, it just makes me feel worse. i feel more. and i'm not sure if that is what rational people do. i am sad all the time and i don't know what to do. i enjoy sad songs, i enjoy sad movies, i just enjoy everything that is sad only because i can relate to it.
lately, i have been less angry to other people and try to understand that nobody is perfect especially myself. so if people do something that pushes my buttons, i just have to understand that, that's just how it is and to never do it. if it hurts people, don't do it. i'm grateful for the ability to feel this way and i pray i don't repeat my past mistakes, i pray for the ability to continuously learn.
i keep telling myself. maybe people repel away from you because you give off a very uncomfortable vibe. at the same time, there are people who gets excited when i'm around and i'm grateful for people like these. i truly am. is it because i am an introvert, i don't prefer wide social interactions? i have no idea. i just want friends. there's so much i want to do but i don't have friends to do them with. sad. but...
i also want to thank Allah for iman, fareeha and mashitah. they are the reason why my life is so vibrant. their mentality, their thinking is so beautiful, i feel appreciated that i am a part of what's in their head. i might feel sad about a lot of things lately. but i should also constantly thank Allah for beautiful people in my life. people who still cherish me. people who still care for me. alhamdulillah. alhamdulillah. alhamdulillah.
i would also like to thanks my significant other for going through everything with me. i pray he becomes the best he can be.
alessia cara - i guess that's why they call it the blues
anyway, the reason for my writing is just to express how i'm feeling. i want to stop depending on other people to care for how i feel. you cant force people to care about you, they also have things to think about. lately, i have been feeling so lonely. there are always people around me, maybe not the right ones? i have no idea and i really don't have a say in this. it gets confusing because sometimes i prefer being alone which leads me to blame myself on why i feel lonely most of the time. but then again, if i'm surrounded by the wrong people no matter how hard i try, i will still feel lonely.
it gets so much worse when i am on my period. i am already insecure as it is, when i am on my period, the feeling just doubles. i have tried multiple things to distract myself, i want to feel good all the time but most of the time, i just end up crying my feelings out. it gets really sad because i realise that i have no one to talk to. most of the time, i feel sorry for myself and just end up distancing myself from people even more. this semester has been crazy for me. i feel more like myself, i feel more comfortable in my own skin now but in reality, it just makes me feel worse. i feel more. and i'm not sure if that is what rational people do. i am sad all the time and i don't know what to do. i enjoy sad songs, i enjoy sad movies, i just enjoy everything that is sad only because i can relate to it.
lately, i have been less angry to other people and try to understand that nobody is perfect especially myself. so if people do something that pushes my buttons, i just have to understand that, that's just how it is and to never do it. if it hurts people, don't do it. i'm grateful for the ability to feel this way and i pray i don't repeat my past mistakes, i pray for the ability to continuously learn.
i keep telling myself. maybe people repel away from you because you give off a very uncomfortable vibe. at the same time, there are people who gets excited when i'm around and i'm grateful for people like these. i truly am. is it because i am an introvert, i don't prefer wide social interactions? i have no idea. i just want friends. there's so much i want to do but i don't have friends to do them with. sad. but...
i also want to thank Allah for iman, fareeha and mashitah. they are the reason why my life is so vibrant. their mentality, their thinking is so beautiful, i feel appreciated that i am a part of what's in their head. i might feel sad about a lot of things lately. but i should also constantly thank Allah for beautiful people in my life. people who still cherish me. people who still care for me. alhamdulillah. alhamdulillah. alhamdulillah.
i would also like to thanks my significant other for going through everything with me. i pray he becomes the best he can be.
alessia cara - i guess that's why they call it the blues
Sunday, May 22, 2016
YOLO vs Hasty Decisions
Hey guys! I know I havent been writing but whatever, ima just start and im so excited xD
Based on the title, some of y'all might be thinking im getting married or something but NO, its just a thought and I wonder if there are more people like me out there. Of course there are and I hope that when y'all are curious about this, when you google about this, you'll find my post and we'll end up being friends!
Oh yeah, the one more thing I realize that's new about me is that I love people now, I swear I love interacting with people in general and I love making people smile and laugh but heh that is not why Im here so here goes!
Have you ever wonder if your crazy decisions are considered as hasty decisions or maybe youre just living the life you've always wanted, in this case #YOLO? I get confused all the time because obviously crazy decisions are considered not mature and I agree because the effects are so bad. But then again, I believe that I do make crazy decisions at the right time. So..if I do crazy things at the right time, is that considered as a hasty decision? Since the second semester, Ive been doing impromptu stuff and surprisingly, I turn to be so happy! Probably because Ive been wanting to do that for quite a while now xD
Being the girl who is always restricted from going where I wanna go and meeting who I want to meet makes me feel like letting go BUT then again, dont get me wrong, I still consider what my parents will think of it.
Hear this, finals are coming in approximately 2-3 weeks and omg I decided to tag along with my dad's colleagues to Krabi during study week! Tell me, is that hasty or is that YOLO?
Considering that ill be basically travelling for free, I call it YOLO y'all cause this opportunity doesnt just come rolling in my case so pfsh xD
People always say that nothing good comes after midnight but hey, thats the best part of my day to be honest because it is a new day and the things people tell you makes you feel so intimate with the person and I swear, I love and appreciate that so much! xD
Okay, before I go crazier, I might as well stop here and proceed with my assignments! See ya!
Based on the title, some of y'all might be thinking im getting married or something but NO, its just a thought and I wonder if there are more people like me out there. Of course there are and I hope that when y'all are curious about this, when you google about this, you'll find my post and we'll end up being friends!
Oh yeah, the one more thing I realize that's new about me is that I love people now, I swear I love interacting with people in general and I love making people smile and laugh but heh that is not why Im here so here goes!
Have you ever wonder if your crazy decisions are considered as hasty decisions or maybe youre just living the life you've always wanted, in this case #YOLO? I get confused all the time because obviously crazy decisions are considered not mature and I agree because the effects are so bad. But then again, I believe that I do make crazy decisions at the right time. So..if I do crazy things at the right time, is that considered as a hasty decision? Since the second semester, Ive been doing impromptu stuff and surprisingly, I turn to be so happy! Probably because Ive been wanting to do that for quite a while now xD
Being the girl who is always restricted from going where I wanna go and meeting who I want to meet makes me feel like letting go BUT then again, dont get me wrong, I still consider what my parents will think of it.
Hear this, finals are coming in approximately 2-3 weeks and omg I decided to tag along with my dad's colleagues to Krabi during study week! Tell me, is that hasty or is that YOLO?
Considering that ill be basically travelling for free, I call it YOLO y'all cause this opportunity doesnt just come rolling in my case so pfsh xD
People always say that nothing good comes after midnight but hey, thats the best part of my day to be honest because it is a new day and the things people tell you makes you feel so intimate with the person and I swear, I love and appreciate that so much! xD
Okay, before I go crazier, I might as well stop here and proceed with my assignments! See ya!
Saturday, February 6, 2016
Start again lah eh?
Assalamualaikum!
I know my previous blog posts suck but, its okay, I wont delete them because it is a good reference to improve myself in the future.
I have been neglecting my blog due to being mostly busy and tired simultaneously in the past few months. Now that I am on semester break, I am thinking of writing more because its sucks keeping it all inside. Well, I am not going to vomit out everything here, but I love writing what I go through the day.
I cant keep up with handwritten journals because I write slow but types really fast hence making my blog as a personal journal (okay maybe not that personal)
I wont write deep shit here just because I dont like doing that unless I genuinely feel that, then I will. Okay, bullshit but its okay, I can write whatever I want.
Despite having interest in veterinary medicine, I am also into writing and "vlogging". I really hope that I can balance everything. I also hope that the effort I put into all this helps me in the future insyaAllah. Rezeki Allah tu dalam pelbagai bentuk kan? So, no hate for the things I do tau.
I also believe that by being more active in writing and "vlogging", I can increase my self-confidence and stop thinking about what other people think of me. I am still struggling with things in my life and if people are not supporting then, I'm sorry for you bae!
Okay, I'm going to continue packing my things, head to the veterinary hospital for my last day of small animal practicals and head to Langkawi with my family, insyaAllah :D
I know my previous blog posts suck but, its okay, I wont delete them because it is a good reference to improve myself in the future.
I have been neglecting my blog due to being mostly busy and tired simultaneously in the past few months. Now that I am on semester break, I am thinking of writing more because its sucks keeping it all inside. Well, I am not going to vomit out everything here, but I love writing what I go through the day.
I cant keep up with handwritten journals because I write slow but types really fast hence making my blog as a personal journal (okay maybe not that personal)
I wont write deep shit here just because I dont like doing that unless I genuinely feel that, then I will. Okay, bullshit but its okay, I can write whatever I want.
Despite having interest in veterinary medicine, I am also into writing and "vlogging". I really hope that I can balance everything. I also hope that the effort I put into all this helps me in the future insyaAllah. Rezeki Allah tu dalam pelbagai bentuk kan? So, no hate for the things I do tau.
I also believe that by being more active in writing and "vlogging", I can increase my self-confidence and stop thinking about what other people think of me. I am still struggling with things in my life and if people are not supporting then, I'm sorry for you bae!
Okay, I'm going to continue packing my things, head to the veterinary hospital for my last day of small animal practicals and head to Langkawi with my family, insyaAllah :D
 |
| Practical baes! |
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| Missing ruminant practicals |
Sunday, September 20, 2015
Career Week 2015 (Assignment 2)
I am very honoured and proud being a part of the Veterinary Faculty.
Why?
It is because this faculty provides the DVM students with various programmes and activities to enjoy starting off with Career Week 2015.
I was looking forward to Career Week due to the fact that we will be seeing awesome veterinarians face to face and this is an opportunity that does not come rolling anytime. I appreciate the seniors for putting all this together as they have been spending tons and tons of blood, sweat and tears to result in such a wonderful programme.
Here are the list of veterinarians who were invited to give us a clear picture on what this profession is all about:
1) Dr. Ardhy Bin Adnan (Department of Veterinary Services)
2) Dr. Paul Chelliah Suppiah (Veterinary Association Malaysia)
3) Dr. Melissa Phoon (Small Animals Doctor)
4) Dr. Yew Ee Ling (Pharmaceutical)
5) Dr. Chua Chee Heng (Psychology)
6) Dr. Rebecca Tan (Equine Doctor)
7) Dr. Eve Foong Yee Wei (Wildlife Doctor)
8) Dr. Bahsharuddin Mohd Sharif (Poultry Doctor)
9) Dr. Mohd Shafarin Bin Shamsuddin (Research)
10) Prof. Dato' Dr. Mohamed Shariff Mohamed Din (Aquatic Doctor)
To be honest, I have always seen the veterinary profession as only being able to treat small animals such as cats, dogs, rabbits etc but no, being a veterinarian is about being considerate and treating animals right and when I say animals, I mean, all of the animals species. It is also amazing (and no surprise :P) that the doctors hit us with nothing but reality. They mentioned that being a veterinary student is not easy and we should never give up but in the end, it will all be worth it because it is not just about the money that comes our way but it is also about the satisfaction of being able to treat animals we love. Also, the doctors mention that being a veterinarian is also about having the highest level of patience because we deal with a lot of deaths but they will also be times where we feel happy being able to treat the animal. Subsequently, most of the doctors mentioned that having a good communication skill is very essential in this veterinary profession. Veterinarians should not be shy, we have to very open and clear about what we do. Although our patients generally do not speak to tell us what is wrong but having to deal with the patient's owner requires an excellent communication skill.
Now that I am clear about what this profession has to offer, I believe that I want to pursue my career in the wildlife sector or the marine sector. The reason why I am interested in wildlife and marine/aquatic animals is because I love dealing with animals that we dont always see everyday and I know, it will be worth my time. Also, as a kid, I loved scuba diving and I have the license for it, this is also one of the main reason why I want to pursue my career as a marine veterinarian. I just love the ocean. Prof. Dato' Dr. Mohamed Shariff inspired me so much in what I want to do, I am glad we had the opportunity to get tips and tricks to survive in this industry.
In conclusion, I enjoyed Career Week 2015 so much! I am definitely looking forward for more faculty activities!
P/s: I dont really have pictures for Career Week 2015. Dr. Sue, you can see how focused I was :P
Why?
It is because this faculty provides the DVM students with various programmes and activities to enjoy starting off with Career Week 2015.
I was looking forward to Career Week due to the fact that we will be seeing awesome veterinarians face to face and this is an opportunity that does not come rolling anytime. I appreciate the seniors for putting all this together as they have been spending tons and tons of blood, sweat and tears to result in such a wonderful programme.
Here are the list of veterinarians who were invited to give us a clear picture on what this profession is all about:
1) Dr. Ardhy Bin Adnan (Department of Veterinary Services)
2) Dr. Paul Chelliah Suppiah (Veterinary Association Malaysia)
3) Dr. Melissa Phoon (Small Animals Doctor)
4) Dr. Yew Ee Ling (Pharmaceutical)
5) Dr. Chua Chee Heng (Psychology)
6) Dr. Rebecca Tan (Equine Doctor)
7) Dr. Eve Foong Yee Wei (Wildlife Doctor)
8) Dr. Bahsharuddin Mohd Sharif (Poultry Doctor)
9) Dr. Mohd Shafarin Bin Shamsuddin (Research)
10) Prof. Dato' Dr. Mohamed Shariff Mohamed Din (Aquatic Doctor)
To be honest, I have always seen the veterinary profession as only being able to treat small animals such as cats, dogs, rabbits etc but no, being a veterinarian is about being considerate and treating animals right and when I say animals, I mean, all of the animals species. It is also amazing (and no surprise :P) that the doctors hit us with nothing but reality. They mentioned that being a veterinary student is not easy and we should never give up but in the end, it will all be worth it because it is not just about the money that comes our way but it is also about the satisfaction of being able to treat animals we love. Also, the doctors mention that being a veterinarian is also about having the highest level of patience because we deal with a lot of deaths but they will also be times where we feel happy being able to treat the animal. Subsequently, most of the doctors mentioned that having a good communication skill is very essential in this veterinary profession. Veterinarians should not be shy, we have to very open and clear about what we do. Although our patients generally do not speak to tell us what is wrong but having to deal with the patient's owner requires an excellent communication skill.
Now that I am clear about what this profession has to offer, I believe that I want to pursue my career in the wildlife sector or the marine sector. The reason why I am interested in wildlife and marine/aquatic animals is because I love dealing with animals that we dont always see everyday and I know, it will be worth my time. Also, as a kid, I loved scuba diving and I have the license for it, this is also one of the main reason why I want to pursue my career as a marine veterinarian. I just love the ocean. Prof. Dato' Dr. Mohamed Shariff inspired me so much in what I want to do, I am glad we had the opportunity to get tips and tricks to survive in this industry.
In conclusion, I enjoyed Career Week 2015 so much! I am definitely looking forward for more faculty activities!
P/s: I dont really have pictures for Career Week 2015. Dr. Sue, you can see how focused I was :P
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