A challenging week

I do a deep clean of my place with constant thoughts about how I am not going to follow through with maintenance. 

I play with my cats thinking they are getting the enrichment they need with doubts about how happy they are with me because some days, I can't physically get out of bed in the morning.

I buy groceries telling myself I am cooking for myself every day this week while ending up doing the complete opposite - leaving my groceries to rot and my gut feeling awful.

I work out while constantly thinking about how I am not going to follow through it this week.

I'd like to think being happy with my life is not having secondary, background thoughts that ruin the general experience of being...alive. I feel conflicted, because my secondary, background thoughts are also part of what makes me human. However, somehow, writing it all down makes me realise that my exhaustion stems from constantly having to make these small decisions in how I live my life day to day. I struggle with living in the present, and accepting the fact that I should be enjoying all of my small decisions that make up the person I am.

Most times, it feels like an out of body experience because physically I am present, but my mind wanders. My mind functions in the future. My mind is constantly uncertain, wrapped up and anxious. On top of all of these small decisions, I am also thinking about the root cause of all these thoughts. Am I really not good enough? What is this a by-product of? People are always going to be one step ahead of me, while I am stuck in this loop of....never being good enough for myself, my job, my achievements, my hobbies, my family, my partner and my friends. It pisses me off thinking I am always functioning as if I am a victim to all my experiences, both positive and negative.

When something good happens to me, I downplay them. I brush them off. I dont take them.

When something bad happens to me, I soak it all in thinking I deserve it.

That is no way to live a life. Therefore, this will be my first step into changing my habits. To experience life as it should be. 

It has been a long while

the first thing I want to address is the fact that I have turnt 30. I can't recall what i did exactly because I was working on my birthday, which come to think of it, was not worth it! honestly, i did not take time off because i had this crazy idea that people actually wanted to physically celebrate my birthday with me but i didn't get any of that. i did get well wishes on whats app, im grateful! i always want to meet people where they are especially when it comes to spending time with me. next year, i am becoming more selfish on my birthday - for sure! my family did surprise me with a whole cake. a whole chocolate indulgence cake from secret recipe that my brother had ordered online to be delivered directly to Sea Life. i thought that was a sweet gesture from my family! i ended up splitting the cake up and shared it with everybody that was working on the day. i felt contented and grateful after complaining about people's effort for me on birthday in my own head. the cherry on top was also talking to one of my best friends, Iman, on the phone that night. i've been meaning to talk to her about some issues that were not sitting right with me. glad we took the time! some decisions were made that resulted in massive relief for me. not going to get into it right now - but someday, insyaAllah.

lately, various thoughts have been running through my mind. i've been doubting myself a whole bunch and i've decided this is because of the environment i surround myself with. i grew up as a people pleaser solely because that is what i observe my parents do growing up and also equally because of my parents - no, my mother's expectation of me. i've always sought her validation ever since i was a child. not to make her proud, but just so i can at least be excused for one day of ass whopping. i grew up with a lot of fear and feeling like i am constantly walking on egg shells. with this constantly in mind, i unintentionally attract similar types of people into my life. im thinking, how do i make it stop? let's break it down.

things im struggling with right now - my physical looks, my family relations, my relationship, my job 

my physical looks 

problem: this is something i have brought on from childhood that lingered AND STAYED in my adulthood. I am constantly thinking about losing weight - ALL THE TIME. I can't seem to comprehend the fact that I am in a healthy, woman's body. I long for how my body was when I was a teenager. This is a common struggle but every small decision i make roots back to this. I keep telling myself i have a better diet now, i am able to enjoy food guilt free, i cook my own food but here I am, constantly punishing myself and lingering over wrong decision i've made that jeopardised the well-being of myself. My experience with exercise, with food is so tainted that I do not enjoy it like how I used to.

solution: 

sticking to current workout routine.

1) Basic spin class: 1x a week (Friday)

2) 3 k run: 2x week (Wednesday & Saturday)

3) Sabrina Carpenter dance workout (Sunday, Monday & Thursday)

I will continue to do these things until it feels easier. Once it feels easier, I will move on to the next workout routine that works for me. 

continue to learn more easy, healthy recipes at home!

i have been consuming a lot of sourdough bread and i no longer bloat like i used to. my next project is to try and make homemade yoghurt to increase my beneficial bacteria intake. i will be making a sourdough cinnamon roll with cream cheese glaze - because i am craving for it! 

As of now, i shall stop writing and act on the above plan. It just feels lighter to have it in writing for me to continue pursuing. i want to live by own promises. i will also get into my other struggles but for now i am sticking to what physically feels good for me. and insyaAllah, beneficial for my health as well. See you in the next post where i break down further issues i am struggling with. 

Updates!

Assalamualaikum and good afternoon. I am now in DVM 5, which is my final year of vet school. Okay, the past few months have been crazy for me. Despite that, i feel like everything in my life has been shifted in a good way where i am better able to discover myself and truly value things and people in my life.
Here's this, life is crazy and always will be. I am living proof of that. As a summary, i will never tolerate the people i once tolerated before. I dont see myself thriving as a person when im around certain people. I will not be scared to admit this but if i dont talk or look at you, then we are done.
You have costed my mental health. You have cause shedding of tears. I will never spend all of this anymore on the people i thought valued me in the past.
I have been doing things and discovering things alone and i love it.

To the people who impacted my life in a bad way, get the fuck out and STAY the fuck out of my life.

in my head.

Salam and hi everyone. Right now, I have never felt more alone. I feel so hollow. Some say that I need professional help. honestly, i dont think i need one. i just dont appreciate the people around me enough for me to feel content. i dont appreciate people enough to see that they do love me. i keep seeking love from one person, and one person only. i let that person define my worth and that was the biggest mistake i could ever do to myself. because i wasnt so used to receiving love from other people, when people pour some of it into me, i start to only see it coming from one person and one person only. where is my self worth? what is wrong with me?

but, i have to realise that everything that is happening is because Allah loves me. a friend said, "Allah uji sebab Allah sayang", and i started crying even more because i dont see things that way. i just think that all the bad and the good comes from me, when actually Allah is the one controlling it all. i have to realise that Allah is saving me from what could be the worst thing in my life. worthlessness. emptiness. be sad because you were ungrateful, instead of being sad because of the situation itself. 

i should appreciate some time for myself. maybe, this is exactly what i need (:

Ramadhan, are you leaving?

hi and salam everyone! today, as im procrastinating in studying equine medicine, i shall write a few of my thoughts regarding my ramadhan experience this year. first of all, alhamdulillah, Allah gave me the opportunity to experience ramadhan once again this year as i realise that many dont have the opportunity to because it's their time to be called back home before/in the holy month of ramadhan. Alhamdulillah.

I was always so worried about myself and my ibadaah. i know that i have always been inconsistent in maintaining it. i dont want to give reasonings such as lack of time, it's not compulsory etc etc as an excuse when actually im just plain lazy. the fear is there and i think it will always stay that way. it's beautiful how in ramadhan you can see people trying their best to become better, and i hope that i can be one of those people. frankly, up until today (24 ramadhan), i am still inconsistent with my ibadah but i know that it is improving as compared to before. therefore, i pray very hard for istiqamah in my ibadaah. with the people around me supporting me in my change, i can never thank Allah enough. He is the best and He will always want the best for me.

yesterday, my friends and I went to kuala lumpur to settle our visa applications for our bangladesh trip this end of june. i remember the conversation we had in the car before zuhur prayer,

friend 1: so where should we go?
friend 2: i dont mind, im not from here. anywhere should be fine.
me: we can have a go at utm. and just look around their campus.
friend 1: okay, lets go

*went around utm, being mesmerised as it is small campus but hey, they are equipped with everything + they have a mall just for the students and everything is cheap!*

friend 1: so where should we go next?
me: can we go to the mosque and take a quick afternoon nap? i'll get moody if i dont
friend 2: oh i guess we're the same then, i must sleep for a bit
friend 1: hmm which mosque do you guys prefer?
friend 2: dont they have a mosque in utm?
me: yeah! they must have
friend 1: oh they do, lets go

we took a short, 20 minutes nap just before zuhur prayer. after the azan, we prayed. while waiting for my other 2 friends, i decided to read the quran as i am way left behind. i figured, it's okay if i dont get to finish the quran, it is as long as i still try. if i dont try, my ramadhan would be wasted. as i was reading the quran, one friend joined and then comes the other. and in that moment, i remember having a smile on my face. it was very mutual, it was very spiritual, it was just a different level of connection.

i could go on and on about what i went through this whole month, but the short story above basically reflects everything. why?

1) we went to busy busy KL to settle our visa applications. this indirectly reflects the fact that we had classes of long hours during ramadhan as well as clinical rotations. this just reflects how busy we are in carrying our daily responsibilities as a student.

2) we took some time off from our daily responsibilities by taking a quick nap, praying and reading the quran. it is a direct reflection of what we've ALL been doing this ramadhan. it's just a way of God telling us that, "why not take a rest with me? i'll be here for you". because immediately after we take a break, we feel energised again to proceed with our daily undertakings.

it's just beautiful.

before i close off this entry, i just want to remind myself and everyone else that although eid is around the corner, the last 10 nights of ramadhan is very essential, very spiritual and very intimate. so let us finish this ramadhan off beautifully with practicing good deeds so that we will have a blast during hari raya aidilfitri. no guilt, just a lot of fun!

Update.

hi everyone. wow, it's been so long since i wrote anything on here. but, i'm back here mostly because i am trying my best to not go back to the socials. why? because it took so much of my time. i know some will disagree and say that i cant prioritise well. but hey, if its not good for me, its not good for me and there's that. also, i've been feeling so much better without it.

anyway, the reason for my writing is just to express how i'm feeling. i want to stop depending on other people to care for how i feel. you cant force people to care about you, they also have things to think about. lately, i have been feeling so lonely. there are always people around me, maybe not the right ones? i have no idea and i really don't have a say in this. it gets confusing because sometimes i prefer being alone which leads me to blame myself on why i feel lonely most of the time. but then again, if i'm surrounded by the wrong people no matter how hard i try, i will still feel lonely.

it gets so much worse when i am on my period. i am already insecure as it is, when i am on my period, the feeling just doubles. i have tried multiple things to distract myself, i want to feel good all the time but most of the time, i just end up crying my feelings out. it gets really sad because i realise that i have no one to talk to. most of the time, i feel sorry for myself and just end up distancing myself from people even more. this semester has been crazy for me. i feel more like myself, i feel more comfortable in my own skin now but in reality, it just makes me feel worse. i feel more. and i'm not sure if that is what rational people do. i am sad all the time and i don't know what to do. i enjoy sad songs, i enjoy sad movies, i just enjoy everything that is sad only because i can relate to it.

lately, i have been less angry to other people and try to understand that nobody is perfect especially myself. so if people do something that pushes my buttons, i just have to understand that, that's just how it is and to never do it. if it hurts people, don't do it. i'm grateful for the ability to feel this way and i pray i don't repeat my past mistakes, i pray for the ability to continuously learn.

i keep telling myself. maybe people repel away from you because you give off a very uncomfortable vibe. at the same time, there are people who gets excited when i'm around and i'm grateful for people like these. i truly am. is it because i am an introvert, i don't prefer wide social interactions? i have no idea. i just want friends. there's so much i want to do but i don't have friends to do them with. sad. but...

i also want to thank Allah for iman, fareeha and mashitah. they are the reason why my life is so vibrant. their mentality, their thinking is so beautiful, i feel appreciated that i am a part of what's in their head. i might feel sad about a lot of things lately. but i should also constantly thank Allah for beautiful people in my life. people who still cherish me. people who still care for me. alhamdulillah. alhamdulillah. alhamdulillah.

i would also like to thanks my significant other for going through everything with me. i pray he becomes the best he can be.

alessia cara - i guess that's why they call it the blues

YOLO vs Hasty Decisions

Hey guys! I know I havent been writing but whatever, ima just start and im so excited xD
Based on the title, some of y'all might be thinking im getting married or something but NO, its just a thought and I wonder if there are more people like me out there. Of course there are and I hope that when y'all are curious about this, when you google about this, you'll find my post and we'll end up being friends!

Oh yeah, the one more thing I realize that's new about me is that I love people now, I swear I love interacting with people in general and I love making people smile and laugh but heh that is not why Im here so here goes!

Have you ever wonder if your crazy decisions are considered as hasty decisions or maybe youre just living the life you've always wanted, in this case #YOLO? I get confused all the time because obviously crazy decisions are considered not mature and I agree because the effects are so bad. But then again, I believe that I do make crazy decisions at the right time. So..if I do crazy things at the right time, is that considered as a hasty decision? Since the second semester, Ive been doing impromptu stuff and surprisingly, I turn to be so happy! Probably because Ive been wanting to do that for quite a while now xD
Being the girl who is always restricted from going where I wanna go and meeting who I want to meet makes me feel like letting go BUT then again, dont get me wrong, I still consider what my parents will think of it.
Hear this, finals are coming in approximately 2-3 weeks and omg I decided to tag along with my dad's colleagues to Krabi during study week! Tell me, is that hasty or is that YOLO?
Considering that ill be basically travelling for free, I call it YOLO y'all cause this opportunity doesnt just come rolling in my case so pfsh xD
People always say that nothing good comes after midnight but hey, thats the best part of my day to be honest because it is a new day and the things people tell you makes you feel so intimate with the person and I swear, I love and appreciate that so much! xD

Okay, before I go crazier, I might as well stop here and proceed with my assignments! See ya!