the first thing I want to address is the fact that I have turnt 30. I can't recall what i did exactly because I was working on my birthday, which come to think of it, was not worth it! honestly, i did not take time off because i had this crazy idea that people actually wanted to physically celebrate my birthday with me but i didn't get any of that. i did get well wishes on whats app, im grateful! i always want to meet people where they are especially when it comes to spending time with me. next year, i am becoming more selfish on my birthday - for sure! my family did surprise me with a whole cake. a whole chocolate indulgence cake from secret recipe that my brother had ordered online to be delivered directly to Sea Life. i thought that was a sweet gesture from my family! i ended up splitting the cake up and shared it with everybody that was working on the day. i felt contented and grateful after complaining about people's effort for me on birthday in my own head. the cherry on top was also talking to one of my best friends, Iman, on the phone that night. i've been meaning to talk to her about some issues that were not sitting right with me. glad we took the time! some decisions were made that resulted in massive relief for me. not going to get into it right now - but someday, insyaAllah.
lately, various thoughts have been running through my mind. i've been doubting myself a whole bunch and i've decided this is because of the environment i surround myself with. i grew up as a people pleaser solely because that is what i observe my parents do growing up and also equally because of my parents - no, my mother's expectation of me. i've always sought her validation ever since i was a child. not to make her proud, but just so i can at least be excused for one day of ass whopping. i grew up with a lot of fear and feeling like i am constantly walking on egg shells. with this constantly in mind, i unintentionally attract similar types of people into my life. im thinking, how do i make it stop? let's break it down.
things im struggling with right now - my physical looks, my family relations, my relationship, my job
my physical looks
problem: this is something i have brought on from childhood that lingered AND STAYED in my adulthood. I am constantly thinking about losing weight - ALL THE TIME. I can't seem to comprehend the fact that I am in a healthy, woman's body. I long for how my body was when I was a teenager. This is a common struggle but every small decision i make roots back to this. I keep telling myself i have a better diet now, i am able to enjoy food guilt free, i cook my own food but here I am, constantly punishing myself and lingering over wrong decision i've made that jeopardised the well-being of myself. My experience with exercise, with food is so tainted that I do not enjoy it like how I used to.
solution:
sticking to current workout routine.
1) Basic spin class: 1x a week (Friday)
2) 3 k run: 2x week (Wednesday & Saturday)
3) Sabrina Carpenter dance workout (Sunday, Monday & Thursday)
I will continue to do these things until it feels easier. Once it feels easier, I will move on to the next workout routine that works for me.
continue to learn more easy, healthy recipes at home!
i have been consuming a lot of sourdough bread and i no longer bloat like i used to. my next project is to try and make homemade yoghurt to increase my beneficial bacteria intake. i will be making a sourdough cinnamon roll with cream cheese glaze - because i am craving for it!
As of now, i shall stop writing and act on the above plan. It just feels lighter to have it in writing for me to continue pursuing. i want to live by own promises. i will also get into my other struggles but for now i am sticking to what physically feels good for me. and insyaAllah, beneficial for my health as well. See you in the next post where i break down further issues i am struggling with.
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