Wow

As I was studying, a thought attacked me so hard that it made me realize that my life is not about myself. It is never about myself.

Life is about someone else's life. Then, will life be lively. As a muslim, we carry out ibadah and that ibadah is dedicated to Allah SWT, for us to gain Allah's love. We achieve success in life to prove to our parents that we can repay what they went through (well maybe not all of it but at least 1/4 of it insyaAllah). We take care of each other's feelings by not letting their hearts get hurt. We buy things and the money we paid increases one's economy thus making them happy. We would do anything to make our pets happy although they have no idea how much we've spent. We try 'hard' to look pretty and presentable to please other people.

I can give you tons of example on the fact that this life we have is never for ourselves.

Maybe that is what makes life sweet.

The feeling of making other people increase in self development indirectly.

The feeling of having a purpose to strive in this life and the akhirah.

If this life was completely for ourselves, I personally dont think that our parents would carry out their responsibilities as parents. Job as parents are not easy and yes, it is tiring. (no ive never experienced it before). The fact that they know that the life that Allah grant them is not for them, instead it is dedicated to their children in order to gain Allah's pleasure. Once again, THIS life is never for ourselves.

If this life was for ourselves, would Jihad play a role in our lives?

Think about it.

Jealousy and hatred

Everyone goes through this phase, literally. No matter how nice a person can be, this is still a phase that we have to go through. Why, you ask? Because Allah is testing your heart. You heart is the central of everything, besides the brain though. Once the heart is damaged, every part of your body follows. Jealousy and hatred is something that sets a bar of who you really are. It is a bad feeling to have because without it, you'll be in complete solace, surreal solace. Honestly, fighting between good feelings and bad feelings is a true struggle because when the good ones win, you can daringly claim that your life, is perfect. I hate jealousy and hatred. Even expressing that uses the word 'hate' so I am pretty confident that you're telling a white lie if you say you are clean from hatred and jealousy :P

I know I could be vlogging about this, but trust me, the video can get up to one hour. Virtually writing this down would help. One question for you (just because I went through it), do you ever get jealous seeing your friend studying? Do you hate your friend when he/she obtains more marks than you do? Do you ever just get jealous of your friend because he/she has so much more than you do? All of this leads to you saying, "it's be fun if I was her" and "i think life is hopeless, everyone hates me". Whoa whoa, what is up with that (-) energy? Right now, I will try to help you rejuvenate yourself, though I am not sure if that is a suitable word to use :P

First, know your intentions. You study for the sake of Allah, for the sake of wanting more ilm' (knowledge) and for the sake of increasing self development. Know that different people have different methods of studying so dont stress. Sit down, write down the things YOU have to do, have a look at it and carry it out. Whatever other people want to do, let them be because this is all about YOU. Sometimes, you dont have to carry the weight of the world on your shoulders, just carry your own weight and let the ground carry the weight of others. In your head, dedicate everything to Allah and you'll be as peaceful as the river. When you see other people studying, dont panic, because you dont know what they did in the past or, what they are planning in the future. Maybe you have studied before, she hasnt and maybe you're going to study later, shes not. Always come up with 70 excuses (husnuzzon) before jealousy and hatred pops up. You know your own effort so, leave it all to Allah. If you still feel scared and fearful of what others are doing, then you might have to check back with your faith in Allah SWT. But im sure its a good one. just punch the shaitaan in a bit and you will be fine!

To calm your heart further, it shouldnt harm to tell your friend words of sweetness, for example,

"I know how much you've struggled. InsyaAllah, you will get what you want in life. Amin!"

or

"InsyaAllah 4.0 flat!"

or

"I know you are going to get it, what matters is the effort and Allah loves those who strive for His sake"

Trust me, when these words are uttered, you'll be the most calm out of everyone. La tahzan, friend.

In terms of other situations like, you get jealous seeing other people who prettier/more handsome than you, an excellent way for you stay away from hatred and jealousy is for you to first, KNOW and BELIEVE that all the beauty of the world comes from Allah SWT and immediately realize that YOU ARE one of the beauty. Second, give them praises, uttered words, good or bad, are dua'. When you praise others, insyaAllah it goes back to you. 

I am sorry for not making this post into detail because I am literally using this free time I have to blog and i miss this. I literally have math class in approximately 7 more minutes and my best friend (nurul diyana) is literally beside me surveying on scholarships for medicine for her degree. So yeah, pray for our success and insyaAllah we'll pray for you as well.

Bye, assalamualaykum!

Allah, humans and animals

Alhamdulillah, to be honest, I cant believe the fact that I made through to foundation especially here in UPM after all the years of dreaming being a part of the foundation community.
It still feels like im in a dream, im literally a step away from stepping into the world of veterinary. However, it is difficult the fact that we have to compete with each other for a spot here. I know everyone have different interests but I frankly feel that everyone wants to be a part of the veterinary community. It was difficult to grow up as a kid who loves animals. I seriously don’t get why the society actually underestimate the capability of animals. If I were to witness an accident involving a cow and a man, I will try my best to help both but my heart will always want to help the cow more. I seriously think that animals contribute a lot to the world that when they are not present, everything else is in interference. There must be a specific reason why Allah SWT created them, Allah SWT could just create us if he wants but he chose to create these animals for us. Yes, humans are the best of creations but we are the best of creations because everything else around us, like animals and plants, actually contribute to that fact. For example, our ancestors wouldn’t have clothes and food if animals weren’t present. They willed themselves to be slaughtered just to fulfill the hunger of us, humans. Don’t you sometimes sit and wonder, do animals actually make more sacrifices for us humans just because they obey Allah SWT more than we do? Wow.

Last week, our class representative showed us a video about animals being in complete supplication and ready to be slaughtered when asmaAllah was whispered to their ears and it literally blew me away. That person in the video said that animals are actually more pious than we are, and they don’t even have the best of al-aqlu(minds). Its so heart touching. In the Quran, Allah mentioned that the sounds made by the wind, rain, animals and plants are actually zikr, remembrance of Allah Taala. If you were to take a stroll in the morning, think about this, and listen to all the zikr around you. Allah also mentioned that those who think of Allah and His creations while standing, sitting and even lying down are the people who actually think (ulul albab). You might think that to be a part of the ulul albab is to be full of wisdom and experience but no my friend, you just have to be a humble slave, look around you and think deeply of the wisdoms of all these creations. I am naïve, I do not know much but when I start to think of all the things around me, serenity and inner peace overpowers me. One of the reason why I would rather walk to Pusat Asasi everyday now.

So, why veterinary?
Being a veterinarian is not an easy task, considering all the conflicts of touching the haraam and the functionality of being a veterinarian in the society. Learning the anatomy of animals is also not easy. Im not sure of this love I have for animals is actually a different level of love or so, but I believe that only some people have it and these are the people that I can connect most with (except my mum though, she doesn’t fancy animals but I can connect to her the most besides Allah SWT ). Generally, every kindness, directly or indirectly, deserves a reward from Allah SWT. Being kind and loving to animals is also an act of worship, you get rewards for that heck animals even pray for you when you do good to them. You never know if the prayers they make to Allah SWT for you are one of the reason for your success. Allah..

Animals are here to give us reminders on why we are here in this dunya before the akhirah. Animals are here to remind us of gratefulness. Yes, they carry out zikr as well to Allah SWT and they are guaranteed to be in heaven but we have the opportunity to pray to Allah SWT, to tell Allah SWT everything and I am positive that they would do anything to have that opportunity. We should be grateful for that blessing. Animals are here to remind us on the punishments Allah ordains if we disobey Him. For example, snakes, poisonous insects, carnivores etc do remind us of the akhirah. We have heard tons of stories about snakes waiting in one’s grave due to negligence of their 5 daily prayers. Allah. Most importantly, animals are here to give love a little bit of life. Humans take love for granted. Thus, they are here to tell us that love is all we need. If we love each other, jealousy, fights, black magic etc wouldn’t have occurred. The term “if” is bad, I know, but if these animals expect us to love them, what more of humans? That is why we should try our very best to treat everyone around us with a fair level of kindness. We are the best of creations, right?
I could literally go on and on about the wisdoms behind the existence of animals but I think I should stop. I want you to think about it (: I don’t even want to go deep into plants, they basically contribute to everything! Happy thinking. Salam.

New video

Heh

Enough is never enough. Everyone is tired of being tired.
Heh princess lullabies never fails to make me ponder on what is happening around me. I find it funny how people have different priorities. Why do we have different priorities? Some have priorities over the littlest things that truly means nothing to an another individual. At times, some people don’t actually realize that they prioritize something so much that it is actually a part of their lives. Well, what’s definite is that not everyone will like what I choose to prioritize. Each time I meet new people, I would always try to look deep in their hearts and figure our their backstory. What have they been through? What made them the person they are today? It would be inspiring to actually listen to what everyone has gone through. It might be tiring but it will always leave a mark on me. The reason why I love doing this is because I need clarification and justification on the things that people actually do. People dont just like or dislike things for no reason, everything comes with experience, a backstory. Why are they so weird? Why are they so quiet? Why are so loud and confident? Why is this so important? I would love for myself to stop being judgmental on how other people are behaving. No matter how much I assume and want people to perceive that I am not judgmental, deep down I am. The term first impressions are actually judgments.
Recently, Ive been getting closer to my fellow classmates which I never actually tried to care about in the last semester. Alhamdulillah Allah has given me the chance to get to know them better. It is never a regret to hear what they have gone through. Believe it or not, tears are shed. I know I am emotional, I get so tangled up on what a person has gone through by looking at them from afar, constantly laughing and trying so hard to make other people perceive that they are happy and cheerful. That fact makes me cry to myself. Yes, it is not even my problem but a little bit of empathy wouldn’t hurt, would it?
I admit, life would be wasteful if I never actually get to know more people. I used to hate socializing with other people because I used to think that I did not have the things that  they have. But no, people have gone through far worst. It makes me realize that I do have everything. I have all the love I need, there is no need to be sad. The reason why I feel like everything is never enough is due to the fact that I am never grateful with the things I have and I constantly take them for granted which will then affect my own self. Which means that I am wasting all my sadness and tears for the things that are…stupid. Yes, stupid. Life IS too short to be sad, why be sad?
So um, test 1 just ended. Pray for me and fellow course mates, may we achieve the best. Now, let's strive for test 2! InsyaAllah.

cray cray room mates

a day before me brother took spm

Pressure?

Probably, pressured, not stressed. I believe that there is a significant difference in those two words. When I come to think of it, people actually expect so much from me and although I try my very best to fulfil what they want for me, I end up feeling..well, pressured I guess. Sometimes, I can be fine with that. Pressure keeps going, pressure keeps me on track. At times though, I really wish I could just make everyone shut up and witness the things that I, MYSELF do best.

"Can you just be quiet and let me do my thing. We are not the same, we are different. Why can't you get that?"

Just the thing I really want to say but I know that this is a battle between hurting someone I love and doing what I love. To be honest, I will never sacrifice the people I love just for the sake of having my dreams achieved. I am not saying that people around me dont want me to be who I want to be, but the pressure of the norm around me makes me a different person and personally, I do not like it, I will never like it. Its been approximately 5 months now since I've been in UPM and frankly, I am having a hard time being myself here. Instead, I try to be the person that everyone wants me to be and that hurts. I dont feel stressed, but pressured. Recently, I've been asking my brother to send and pick me up from UPM daily due to the fact that I dont feel comfortable at all mingling with some people there. I know, 'budak manja', 'budak tak boleh nak independent'. I am not running away from my problems, I just need some time to think through on who should I actually spend my laughter and smiles to. Yes, this is a big deal to me as it will be something I shall remember for the rest of my life and I will definitely have to share this my kids (InsyaAllah). I wouldn't want to tell them that I was unhappy and filled with agony, I would be a buzz kill if I actually tell them that.
Dont get me wrong though, I dont hate people. Maybe, I did before but as a Muslim, I cant do that, we are all brothers and sisters. I personally think that this is my problem as a person that is used to being locked up in a cell but it is a cell that I truly love and wouldn't mind being in it for the rest of my life. I know, you would say that eventually I would have to get out and see the world. Trust me, I would love to do that, with the people I love. I watched brain games a few hours ago and learnt compassion is human nature. I am hoping the oxytocin in your brain is triggered as to feel compassionate about what I am feeling right now :P
Whatever it is, Allah has grant me the best and I should truly learn on how to be more grateful.

the brain

hi everyone

Bismillah.
So recently, I went to consult a cognitive psychologist just because my mum claims that I need one and yeah, maybe I do need one just to know how my brain is doing. I am not going to lie, it costs a lot, but it is worth it as I am now able to take control of my brain, i think. It is interesting how the brain works, our brains are capable of so many things. Even the things that we think are impossible. MasyaAllah this organ is magnificent. Therefore, I discovered a new interest. I would consider taking cognitive psychology. I just want to know how people interpret new things, people's study pattern, the capability of the brain and more. Basically, I just want to know how the brain works. I love the brain Ya Allah, like so much. It is not an organ as long as the intestine or as big and abundant as the skin heck, we cant even see it but it is something so significant that it controls our body. Yes, we've seen pictures on how it looks like, but dont you ever wonder how your own brain actually looks like? (Its probably going to be the same in pictures but heh)

But still, veterinary will always be my first choice. I love animals so much and I want to learn their anatomy so that when I see animals falling sick etc, I can actually do something about it instead of saying, "kesiannya baby" and leave for the fact that I can never do anything about it.
Actually the main purpose of this blog post is to share the results of my brain measurement. Well..I thought that it was great but results show that I am stressed and depressed and that result literally got me thinking, am I? because I frankly dont feel stressed or depressed. Probably I am just tired but my body doesnt seem to show it. The trainer was a bit terrified with my result as it was beyond the normal rate so he taught me and my brother some brain relaxation exercises and also, exercises on how to maintain both the right and the left brain as he recommends us to be a "midbrainer" instead of a "right brainer" or a "left brainer". (note that those are not actually real terms)
We also had the opportunity to play some interesting games that can help increase our brain attention. It was interesting Ya Allah. Even after all that, my results still show that I am depressed and stressed. In case if youre wondering about my brother's result, hes just fine. Heck, he's doing more than fine. The trainer also said that my brain is still thinking when I sleep and it is never relaxed. Well, I dont really have anything to say about that though. Yes, my trainer was so worried that he called up my parents to come over. OKAY, this is getting serious. 

 

Since then, every morning, my parents would ask, "are you okay?", "you dont have to clean the house today, we'll do it", "are you tired?" which will limit the things that I usually do. I mean, I am not saying i enjoy doing house chores but it is something that I am used to. Somehow, I do appreciate my parents concern though, they were concerned before, but lately, they've been stopping me from doing the things that might tire me which in some cases, I do enjoy. Okay, so I'll be studying for the rest of my life lah kot agaknya aha. Ok maybe not like that.
I also discovered that heh if my parents were not being able to see me as "depressed", then I must be so great at covering it up aha. I fervently hope that my mum reads this and just to clarify things,

I am not stressed or depressed. Maybe, I think too much. 
But truly, I am happy.

  

eh?

Life.
Ya Allah, why is it so difficult?

Death.
Ya Allah, why am I feeling that I am not ready for it?

Ya Allah. Why am I so ungrateful? I keep thinking that everything is difficult. I should learn to be more grateful due to the fact that Allah has grant me a good, stable life. Mashaa Allah. Each time I read the Quran, I feel so happy reading the verses mentioning Jannah and the all the goods of Jannah that all the Mu'mineen will receive. Subhanallah. I am determined to be more "imanfull" :D

Suddenly, shaitaan comes and be like, "ARE YOU SURE YOURE PART OF THE MU'MINEEN?"
And then, it somehow affected me, then I start saying in my head, "Ya Allah, my sins are too much, i dont think I am part of the mu'mineen heck FAR from the muqarrabin, so far, too far. I am so worried of my faith."
Shaitaan says, "might as well you dont do anything. You dont get neither sins nor rewards from Allah SWT".
and then I start thinking, "oh yeah! but im not sure if its a good idea to be in the safe zone. I do want to contribute something to the ummah."

And then I end feeling unworthy.
This keeps me thinking, if this happens to me, or any one of us, am I, are we grateful enough?
I dont know...myself.
But dont worry, Allah is so forgiving that when you say, "O Allah, you are my creator, forgive me!", Allah says, "O my slave! I love you and you are forgiven!". Just believe that and you will be the most peaceful person walking on the surface of this earth.

I should stop comparing myself with others, instead, I focus on my own imaan and faith and if Allah wills it, I would want to help others to increase their imaan. But, I should spend most of my time, thinking about MY OWN akhlaq, MY OWN faith, MY OWN ibadah. Trust yourself, you will be free of depression and stress.

woke woke leggo leggo boleh punyaaaaaaa yang penting, bismillah. Allah oh Allah, kami semua love you so much we hope you love us juga, hi hi hi hi hi hi!
*Its okay to be mengada with Allah kan hihi*

cause i am an introvert

Bismillah.

My take on introverts.

 

 

introvert: Someone who is concerned with their internal self over external things. Marked by interest in or preoccupation with one's own thoughts or feelings; often shy or reserved. 

I just realized that I am one, due to the fact that A LOT of people said so and I constantly take personality tests to confirm so. Yeah, I am an introvert.

Allah created us differently hence the existence of introverts and extroverts. I am not trying to say one is better than than the other but, both have their own advantages and disadvantages. Since I am an introvert, I shall talk about the introvert-ish stuff. 

Being an introvert is all about thoughts and not words. I think a lot but I dont really express them through words. I wouldnt say that I express them with actions all the time, no, but it is either I do it or just keep inside this big old head of mine. What is fun about being an introvert is that I dont really give a crap about what people have to say to me. As long as I am not going against the sharia' then im good. I also dont really give a crap about attention and all that, in fact, I hate being noticed. I really do. Texts and calls from people are not really a big issue for me. Next, I prefer being quiet but that excludes when my family and best friends are present. Oh yeah, thats the thing about introverts, I find myself more attached to the people that I've known for at least more than 5 years. But if I am already close to a person that I've known for a year, then I guess he/she is just special. Unlike extroverts, they are able to connect with everyone, including strangers that they've just known for at least an hour and seriously, THAT is a great skill masyaAllah.

I seriously, like seriously, enjoy being alone and I love those long walks, alone as well. I just love spending so much with my thoughts and the environs! To be frank here, I sometimes think that people will like me and my personality if they actually know me BUT i never know how to let people in. That is why sometimes, my parents will never understand why it is not easy for me to say 'hi' to their friend's children. Hah. I am a home person. I LOVE LOVE being at home. I would do anything for my family to not bring me outside of the house. I know some people cant really stay at home due to the fact that they're very adventurous, curious and probably spending their life wisely more than I am. Home is the safest place I know, There's so much to do at home and I thank Allah for granting me and my family a nice home, alhamdulillah, I also love doing things myself. You might think of me as selfish and self-centered but my work will be done if I am alone. Probably because we introverts are scared of being judged based on the things that we like which will then bring our confidence down. Introverts are not shy, they're just super quiet. I love studying when everyone is asleep. Why? Because I can get my work done and I love people sleeping, it makes me happy due to the fact that they deserve that rest.
Generally, I discover that introverts are likely less to suffer from peer pressure. Although, I cannot say that I dont like introverts. No. They are the voices of the introverts, they lead us. Heck, I love extroverts. My parents, my best friends are all extroverts. I truly love them, so much and I am grateful that they are able to accept me for who I am. Most of my teachers are extroverts, but I know some who are introverts and that did not stop them from pouring their knowledge to other people. It doesnt really matter if we are either extroverts or introverts, we both can benefit something to the society insyaAllah. Allah loves us and that is why He created us to complete each other to work as one. We are brothers and sisters, we are one ummah and most importantly, we are family.
*hehehehehehe*

I can literally go on and on and on and on about being an introvert but we should know that there is no such thing as being a pure introvert or a pure extrovert. We have a mixture of both but of course, one has to be more dominant than the other. You know what's best? Being an ambivert. 

Wudhu' - by Kak Maria Elena

when we wash our face, with each wash, we pray that our face will be filled with nur (light) when we meet Him in the Hereafter, that our face brings ease to our families and friends
when we wash our mouth, with each wash, we pray that we speak with truth and honesty, that we speak words that ease the listeners, that we speak of things that are beneficial, that we can control our tongues from speaking and eating things that are haram
when we wash our ears, with each wash, we pray that our ears will listen to things that will raise our iman, that we listen to the Quran often, that we become good listeners to people
when we wash our hands/arms, we pray with each wash that our hands/arms will do beneficial things for others, that they'll answer to Allah of the deeds that we've used them for
when we wash our head, we pray that Allah will increase us in knowledge of the Deen, that Allah will increase us with understanding of the Deen, that Allah allows us to use our knowledge for good, that we increase our remembrance of Allah SWT 
when we wash our feet, we pray that our feet will take us to places that are clean, good, and beneficial like masjids and majlis-majlis ilmu, that our feet will be strong at standing up for what is right and halal, that our feet will keep us on the siratal mustaqim (the Right Path) and bring us to Paradise

This is written by Kak Maria Elena btw, I thought that this is very inspiring (: 
So let's persevere in performing our ablutions more perfectly, insyaAllah :D 

Jom ler jadi multitasker

To live is to multitask.

I remember, a few weeks ago, I quarreled with my mother about not wanting to help her in the kitchen because I wanted to study for my finals.

Oh boy, I was setupido.

After a few minutes of quarreling, my mum said something which made me freeze. She said, "if you want to live in this world today, you have to learn how to multitask! How are you suppose to get married if you can only do one thing at a time?! How are you suppose to balance between work and family?! HOW ARE YOU SUPPOSE TO BALANCE BETWEEN YOUR DUNYA AND YOUR AKHIRAH?". Terus ha kau, kept quiet with nothing to say, padan muka saya.
I immediately stopped what I was currently doing at that time and helped my mum in the kitchen. Alhamdulillah, received a wonderful dua from my mum. She asked to Allah to put barakah in my time and knowledge. Seriously, I felt like crying. Eh wait, I did cry because I felt guilty of quarreling with her in the first place, it must've hurt her feelings. For all the things I've done to her, she still makes dua for me. You are magic. Your heart is magic, Allah Allah..

My mum' s probably more fashionable than I am :P

 Moving on, what I am trying to say here is, always help your loved ones, ESPECIALLY your mother if she needs help no matter the circumstances. InsyaAllah, Allah will put barakah in your time. InsyaAllah, have faith in Him! Always ask Allah to put barakah in your time so that you have the ability to learn so much in very little time.

Plus, I think our parents are a good medium for Allah to 'tegur' what we did wrong. Sometimes, our parents scold us like crazy and ending up making us feel so bad ourselves. Hence, we seek Allah for ultimate sabr in enduring His challenges. So, always seek the wisdom behind our parents scolding us as that could be hidayah from Allah to our parents in order to correct our errs and mishaps.

So....may we always seek the wisdom behind everything to be happy both in this dunya as well as akhirah, insyaAllah!

Say NO to maisy' dhanka!

Growing up. It's normal.

I am currently studying physics for tomorrow and suddenly, "Solla Alaikallah" started playing.

*flashing back*

My mum used to sing "Solla Alaikallah" for me and brother every night when we were kids. Her voice was perfect, and I cant help but cry listening to this.

I realized, JUST REALIZED, that my parents are getting older.

So am I.

I remember my mum sang, "nanti bila besar, jadi wanita solehah"

Yes, she altered the song.

I am not sure of what I have become today. I am still confused. Witnessing everyone around me having their imaan boosting...makes me happy.

But, it makes me wonder..

What about my imaan? What about my taqwa?

All I can do right now is improve daily. But..how?

Sometimes, I think to myself, when I feel so down, depressed and not confident, shaitaan definitely takes over. This is when I am in the state of low imaan. I, we, tend to forget Allah is always there.

But...definitely, Allah knows what is in each heart.

I really hope youre getting where Im going here..(:

It could be that Allah want us to feel depressed, through shaitaan, for us to seek Him.

Dont misunderstand me.

So, it is my turn now to fight shaitaan and seek Allah instead of entertaining him.

"Why that feeling O Allah? The feeling of depression..the feeling of low confidence and low self-esteem?", I asked.

Probably because I did boast about my imaan. Imaan is a secret. It is only between me and Allah. Ain't that true?

Yes.

Plus, we will never know the state of our imaan until we are tested.

We could be reading, "bismillah" when sipping a cup of tea..

But we could be cursing and swearing and forgetting Allah once we are tested.

I want to change to the better.

Let's change to the better.

Really, its just those thoughts

Bismillah.

I realize that I always take forgiveness for granted. Forgiveness is big. Why? Egos are being let down, vulnerability shows and what's most important is that one loses all sense of pride. That is big! It is not that easy for a person to just decide to forgive others heck even saying sorry is as difficult.

It is true. Forgiveness cleans and rejuvenates the heart and it is the nature of us, as human beings. It feels good doesnt it? Forgiving other people? How difficult is it to overlook and grant pardon to other people for their wrongdoings and mistreatment towards us? VERY DIFFICULT. I admit.

Lately, I've been so caught up with a TV series known as New Girl. I like the concept of this tv series. Its just a story about good friends living together and admitting their wrongs and ending up saying sorry about it in the end. This show never fails to make me cry. I get so attached to characters of a tv series that I really feel their pain. I hope that is not a bad thing, hehe!

So um, would you believe me if I say that our hearts yearns for forgiveness? Believe it or not, it is a fact. I really think that we are great for opposing this natural feeling, like, how is that even possible? Dont worry, I wouldnt say its okay to oppose the natural but I do it all the time, at times, its really difficult to follow our hearts, right? But that does not mean we're losing, everybody's bruising, as long as we keep trying to listen to this unique part of ourselves, then we're still on track!

Eventually, it'll comes down to forgiving ourselves as well. It is absolutely okay to not be okay. Just, dont lose yourself in the blur of stars love! :D

I've told you know

You know what I mean,
It's like walking in the heat all day,
with no water,
It's like waiting for a friend,
watching everybody else meet theirs,
on that corner,
Or losing in argument,
though you're right,
can't get your thoughts in order,
Still I refrain,
from talking at you, talking on,
You know me well,
I don't explain.
Why the heck,
Why do you think I come around here on my free will?
Wasting all my precious time, oh.
The truth spills out,
Oh, I've told you now.

#1 things that make me happy

Bismillah! Salam everyone :D

I love being happy. Dont you?
No doubt, we love happiness.
May happiness never be far behind us. InsyaAllah.
This might be weird so be prepared.

1. I love coming home to my room mates sleeping

Frankly, my room mates are people who really strive and struggle to achieve the best. I love it when they spend most of their time swallowing and digesting tons and tons of knowledge, it motivates me. But...I fervently think that they deserve some rest. It soothes me seeing them asleep. It makes me happy the fact that Allah has given them the opportunity to lay their head down for a while.

2. When my playlist hits the track "Subhanallah" by Maher Zain and "Rabbibil Mustafa" by Hafiz Hamidun

It literally takes 15 minutes from our college to the foundation centre. Since I am an introvert, I spend most of time listening to music and reading a book. I get so excited when these two tracks start to play, I feel contentment and satisfaction. Alhamdulillah.

3. Sharing food with my room mates

I have never been in a boarding school before so I dont really know the feeling of buying food to share with my room mates. I usually have the food all to myself at home. Trust me, it is a beautiful feeling to walk to the Ramadhan Bazaar, surveying the food that it has to offer and buying them with only one intention, "nak beli banyak sikitlah, nanti boleh buka puasa, makan dengan room mates.". Alhamdulillah.

4. When my mum instantly comes to visit me when she misses me instead of calling me 

Yes, people do label me "budak manja". The thing is, I do not care what they have to say. My mum is close to me and I would like to cherish every moment I have with her. My mum keeps reminding me that she is not getting any younger day by day...My mum also likes to mention the fact that when I'm married, I would not be spending as much time with my mum anymore. My home would be in my husband's home and not my parent's home anymore. When I come to think of it, it is true. In a nutshell, I do not see the harm in being close to my mum when I have the time. I need her, I tell her everything.

5. When the girls ask me how I style my hijab

This makes me want to cry, all the time. Subhanallah. (':
One time, I went back with my classmate but we were not that close. We were in the bus, she started talking to me about aurah. It goes like this :-

Syasya: Sab, aku nak tanya benda boleh?
Me: Oh tanyalah. Apa dia?
Syasya: Macam mana kau jadikan shawl ni labuh? Aku tengok orang lain pakai, jadi pendek juga. Aku try pun jadi pendek juga.
Me: OHHH, senang je, nanti kita tunjuk eh, insyaAllah
Syasya: Sebenarnya, aku dah lama nak tanya kau tapi aku segan takut kau kata apa pula nanti kat aku
Me: Ehhh takdalah! Tanya je kita, kita lagi suka adalah
Syasya: Okok, weekend ni aku nak pergi jalan TAR nak beli wide shawl banyak banyak, senang sikit. Aku nak start lah pakai tutup sikit
Me: Yayyyyy
Syasya: *giggles*

Subhanallah. That is the only thing I can say.
What my best friend, Kamalia said is true. She said,

"As long as you're not going against the shariah, never be ashamed of anything."
I can't seem to forget this, I love you best friend.

#1 Acts of a slave

Salam!

For the past few days, I realized one thing. We, despite the kindness, are quite selfish and only want what's best for us, ourselves. It is true, it is so difficult to commit to one person especially if you just knew them. Committing to one person can also push some our buttons, what about committing to the whole ummah?

The reason why I am writing today is to share this experience I went through a few hours ago. Generally, have you ever been left by a friend? Have you ever felt alone and hopeless without your friend? Well, I experienced that at a place that I have no idea about, at a place I know no one, at a place I am still trying to adapt in. It is so horrifying. What happened was..

It was 6:30 pm in the evening and it was raining. The sky was gloomy and coldness was one of the things that accompanied me. I was ready for my agriculture test tonight and I had the food to break my fast in my hands. I was suppose to go to the foundation centre with a friend. I tried calling her but my prepaid top up was zero. I am at wits end. I didnt know whether to just leave her or wait for her. Frankly, I was planning on leaving her due to the fact that I didnt want to be late for the test. But then, the biggest of guilt overpowered me so I decided to run to the college's hall to obtain free wifi to send her a message through what's app. I asked her where she was because I was waiting for her at the bus stop. She was online and she replied, "I am already at the foundation centre." I was so devastated but things do happen for a reason.

I ran back to the bus stop praying to Allah that there will be a bus at this time. It was 6:45 pm, I was alone, it was dark and raining. I was so scared. Suddenly a bus came, I rode the bus. Unfortunately, the bus driver had to stop me at the next bus station and disappointingly told me that the next bus would at 8:00 pm due to the fact that everyone was getting ready to break their fast. I felt like crying. I did not know what to do.

I thought, if I just stood there, nothing is going to ever happen and I will miss my test tonight. Immediately, I knew that Allah is with me and I can do this. I decided to walk all the way to the foundation centre. It was impossible due to the fact that it was raining and all the main gates were closed. I walked with tears streaming down my face. I knew that this test that Allah grants me is to increase my faith in Him.

As I was walking, I found out that the main gate to the foundation centre was closed. I tried to find another way to the foundation centre and my tears were my only company at that particular moment. I was literally planning on stopping a car to seek assistance. I knew that it was impossible to walk in that distance with the rain. It would a displeasing smell to the people in the exam hall and I would not want that to happen.

Suddenly.....

A sister that I knew passed by me. I was so happy, I screamed her name and stopped her. You might think what I did was rude and maybe even absurd but fear was the only thing that I felt. I was crying so badly and she immediately asked, "Eh Sabreena! Apa awak buat kat sini? Dah nak buka puasa dah." Immediately I replied, "Saya kena tinggal..Akak, boleh tak akak hantar saya kat pusat asasi?" So she said, "mestilah boleh. kesiannya sabreena.."
At that instantaneous moment, all I wanted to do was prostrate to Allah. Subhanallah. I managed to reach the foundation centre on time. Not just that, Allah eased my affair in sitting for my agriculture exam. Alhamdulillah. Alhamdulillah. Alhamdulillah. It is true, when we ask, "When is Allah's aid coming to us?" Allah replies, "Indeed my aid is near." Subhanallah.

What did I learn from this?
1. Allah is always there. Always. No matter how "alone" you think you are. Know that you are not, you are never alone
2. Always remember Allah. In both hardship and ease. When we remember Allah in times of ease and happiness, He will definitely remember you in times of hardship
3. Our dependence is always Allah. You will never be sad about anything in this dunya
4. When our intentions are for Allah (seeking knowledge, visiting the sick etc), it is always eased by Allah no matter how much thorns we have to constantly step on

asdfghjkl

Bismillah!

Alhamdulillah, recently, Pusat Asasi Sains Pertanian (PASP) organized an amazing 3 day activity known as War Games for all the students currently taking foundation in science agriculture here in UPM. At first, I had zero driving force to make myself present for the war game as fatigue was overpowering me. Plus, exams are coming up and this would be the worst time to organize any outdoor activity. It felt as if I was a glass full of water and I didnt want even a single drop of water to be filled into my glass. But, this is what Allah ordains for me and therefore, I followed without a single doubt as to doubt him would be the worst thing to do and feel, nauzubillah.

We were divided into two huge groups where half us had to go Tanjung Malim, Perak and Jasin, Melaka. Alhamdulillah, Allah chose to me to be in Tanjung Malim. Nothing much happened when we arrived at the camp site during the day. We had ice breaking at night and it was an interesting way to get to know each other. After midnight, we were surprised with a 3 and a half hour of night walking in the jungle. The jungle of darkness and mystery. That night, that moment was great for me. Why?
Before we left, the ranger who lead us kept reminding to remember Allah and to have faith in Him when we call upon Him. From having the most fear in my heart, I had a smile carved on my face when the ranger said that. One more thing, the ranger also said that Allah SWT is bashful. HOW? He feels bashful and shy when He didnt grant His slaves' calling upon Him but Allah SWT always wants what's best for us. I smiled and went through the whole night walk adventure with full hope and trust to Allah SWT. I love Him and I am hoping that He loves me too. During the night walk, we had to pass through the cold water of the river. As i dip my feet in the water, I felt the coldness creeping into my skin then into my bones. It was extreme. Bravely, I looked around and wondered. O Allah, if the rivers on this earth is already so beautiful and listening to the streams of it brings serenity into my heart, what about the rivers in Your Jannah that You already promised us? That was the ultimate question that played in my mind.
Immediately, I realized that I did not match the criteria of being in Allah's Jannah. *sigh* Tears streamed down my face. My friend thought that I was terrified of the darkness. I was grateful that she took some time to comfort me, Alhamdulillah. And that moment, all I can think of was Allah SWT. He was the light, the light that lights me through the darkness.

During survival night, all 13 groups were merged into one group and then were further divided into three huge groups. We were left to survive by ourselves in the jungle for a night and were supposed to be back at the camp site by dawn. We were not provided with anything. Immediately, we divided tasks such as collecting wood to attain fire, clean the sleeping area and many more. As the night painted through the day, we felt more challenges crept in uninvited. We were hungry, thirsty and sleepy. Honestly, I did not know which situation to prioritize at that moment. Alhamdulillah, a ranger came and gave us a huge bag of raw chicken, turmeric, salt and fried rice. We were so grateful for the fact that food was present for us to consume. To be frank, yes, I am scared of the dark. Sooner or later, I would have to overcome this fear so I decided to help everyone with washing the raw chicken at the river. I was scared, yes. What gave me strength is all of my friends' faces, their faces portrayed hunger and exhaustion. I had to do it, it is not a choice. After washing the chicken, some of the girls marinate the chicken with turmeric and salt and later, the boys handled all the cooking as they were to find bamboo sticks to hang the chicken while waiting for it to cook.

As I looked up the sky that night, MasyaAllah i was mesmerized by the beautiful stars shining and dancing above us. I loved it, it was so wonderful. The stars made me smile and at that instantaneous moment I knew that Allah is telling that is okay through His beautiful stars. Subhanallah.

In a nutshell, I had the time of my life. Alhamdulillah. Alhamdulillah. I do not know how much "Alhamdulillahs" I can blurt anymore to express my gratitude to Allah SWT.

A short message : Overcoming one's fear is definitely one of the  best achievements one can attain. Why? It is then one realizes that Allah is the only one everyone should be fearful of. 

Challenges.

Assalamualaikum!

To start off, I am so grateful that Allah has chosen me to be here, in Universiti Putra Malaysia. It might not be the best for you, but I am confident that it is the best for me, Alhamdulillah. So, yesterday I had a group discussion at one of the university's cafeteria which I can say is nearby the college I am currently practicing "my new lifestyle" right now. I took some time looking around. I took some time thinking while looking around. Immediately, I say to myself.

"This is it. This is the life. The life on campus. The life that you have been yearning for so bad. The life where to be myself is not even an option. The life full of thorns. The life that will test your faith as well as your patience."

All my life, I have been in a private school, preschool included. I am not even joking. Once i turned 18, I am being thrown in a government university. MasyaAllah, this is to test what have been taught to me for the past 17 years of my life. It is so wonderful how all of that is clear for me, Alhamdulillah.

In a situation like this, a situation where I have the opportunity to meet various people from various places and backgrounds makes me wonder and ponder, "Will I meet the person whose her heart is attached to Allah SWT?". That is literally THE BIG question that plays in my mind. Whatever it is, taqwa check is important. So....THE BIGGEST question should be, "Is MY HEART attached to Allah SWT?". They say, to find a good person is to be good yourself. I know most people would apply that to finding their life companion but I believe this would work in finding a good friend as well. Aren't friends considered to be life companions too?

When thinking and speaking about challenges, the first thing that pops into my mind would be the big, severe incident of Taif that Rasulullah SAW went through. It gets me everytime, EVERYTIME. When I feel like giving up with the lab reports that I assume are in abundance, hours and hours of lectures and tutorials, I think about what Rasulullah SAW had to go through at that phase. The phase where his beloved wife and uncle returned to Allah SWT simultaneously. The phase where he bled so bad that if people knew his worth, people would restraint his blood from flowing out of his body. What more can we really go through?

Know this, I have to face what is reality and grow up. The challenges that Allah grants me is only to make my faith in Him stronger. The calamities Allah grants US is only to make US, as an ummah stronger.

Isn't it better to be significant to Allah SWT by Him testing us rather than feel nothing at all?

Bismillah~

Alhamdulillah, I have learnt so much for the past few weeks. Indeed, His blessings are never ending and it is not righteous to never be grateful for what he has granted. Alhamdulillah!

One of the reasons why I created a blog is to share my opinions on something and also, to share what I have learnt from seminars and usrah sessions that I have been to.

I realize that I play a huge role in contributing to the ummah. I am really hoping that this would be a small step towards contributing to the ummah and insyaAllah, being closer to Allah.

“When you feel the sweetness of iman, share it with others”

MasyaAllah tabarakkallah!

May Allah ease our path to his Jannah of extravagance, insyaAllah, ameen!