Pressure?

Probably, pressured, not stressed. I believe that there is a significant difference in those two words. When I come to think of it, people actually expect so much from me and although I try my very best to fulfil what they want for me, I end up feeling..well, pressured I guess. Sometimes, I can be fine with that. Pressure keeps going, pressure keeps me on track. At times though, I really wish I could just make everyone shut up and witness the things that I, MYSELF do best.

"Can you just be quiet and let me do my thing. We are not the same, we are different. Why can't you get that?"

Just the thing I really want to say but I know that this is a battle between hurting someone I love and doing what I love. To be honest, I will never sacrifice the people I love just for the sake of having my dreams achieved. I am not saying that people around me dont want me to be who I want to be, but the pressure of the norm around me makes me a different person and personally, I do not like it, I will never like it. Its been approximately 5 months now since I've been in UPM and frankly, I am having a hard time being myself here. Instead, I try to be the person that everyone wants me to be and that hurts. I dont feel stressed, but pressured. Recently, I've been asking my brother to send and pick me up from UPM daily due to the fact that I dont feel comfortable at all mingling with some people there. I know, 'budak manja', 'budak tak boleh nak independent'. I am not running away from my problems, I just need some time to think through on who should I actually spend my laughter and smiles to. Yes, this is a big deal to me as it will be something I shall remember for the rest of my life and I will definitely have to share this my kids (InsyaAllah). I wouldn't want to tell them that I was unhappy and filled with agony, I would be a buzz kill if I actually tell them that.
Dont get me wrong though, I dont hate people. Maybe, I did before but as a Muslim, I cant do that, we are all brothers and sisters. I personally think that this is my problem as a person that is used to being locked up in a cell but it is a cell that I truly love and wouldn't mind being in it for the rest of my life. I know, you would say that eventually I would have to get out and see the world. Trust me, I would love to do that, with the people I love. I watched brain games a few hours ago and learnt compassion is human nature. I am hoping the oxytocin in your brain is triggered as to feel compassionate about what I am feeling right now :P
Whatever it is, Allah has grant me the best and I should truly learn on how to be more grateful.