A challenging week

I do a deep clean of my place with constant thoughts about how I am not going to follow through with maintenance. 

I play with my cats thinking they are getting the enrichment they need with doubts about how happy they are with me because some days, I can't physically get out of bed in the morning.

I buy groceries telling myself I am cooking for myself every day this week while ending up doing the complete opposite - leaving my groceries to rot and my gut feeling awful.

I work out while constantly thinking about how I am not going to follow through it this week.

I'd like to think being happy with my life is not having secondary, background thoughts that ruin the general experience of being...alive. I feel conflicted, because my secondary, background thoughts are also part of what makes me human. However, somehow, writing it all down makes me realise that my exhaustion stems from constantly having to make these small decisions in how I live my life day to day. I struggle with living in the present, and accepting the fact that I should be enjoying all of my small decisions that make up the person I am.

Most times, it feels like an out of body experience because physically I am present, but my mind wanders. My mind functions in the future. My mind is constantly uncertain, wrapped up and anxious. On top of all of these small decisions, I am also thinking about the root cause of all these thoughts. Am I really not good enough? What is this a by-product of? People are always going to be one step ahead of me, while I am stuck in this loop of....never being good enough for myself, my job, my achievements, my hobbies, my family, my partner and my friends. It pisses me off thinking I am always functioning as if I am a victim to all my experiences, both positive and negative.

When something good happens to me, I downplay them. I brush them off. I dont take them.

When something bad happens to me, I soak it all in thinking I deserve it.

That is no way to live a life. Therefore, this will be my first step into changing my habits. To experience life as it should be.