Update.

hi everyone. wow, it's been so long since i wrote anything on here. but, i'm back here mostly because i am trying my best to not go back to the socials. why? because it took so much of my time. i know some will disagree and say that i cant prioritise well. but hey, if its not good for me, its not good for me and there's that. also, i've been feeling so much better without it.

anyway, the reason for my writing is just to express how i'm feeling. i want to stop depending on other people to care for how i feel. you cant force people to care about you, they also have things to think about. lately, i have been feeling so lonely. there are always people around me, maybe not the right ones? i have no idea and i really don't have a say in this. it gets confusing because sometimes i prefer being alone which leads me to blame myself on why i feel lonely most of the time. but then again, if i'm surrounded by the wrong people no matter how hard i try, i will still feel lonely.

it gets so much worse when i am on my period. i am already insecure as it is, when i am on my period, the feeling just doubles. i have tried multiple things to distract myself, i want to feel good all the time but most of the time, i just end up crying my feelings out. it gets really sad because i realise that i have no one to talk to. most of the time, i feel sorry for myself and just end up distancing myself from people even more. this semester has been crazy for me. i feel more like myself, i feel more comfortable in my own skin now but in reality, it just makes me feel worse. i feel more. and i'm not sure if that is what rational people do. i am sad all the time and i don't know what to do. i enjoy sad songs, i enjoy sad movies, i just enjoy everything that is sad only because i can relate to it.

lately, i have been less angry to other people and try to understand that nobody is perfect especially myself. so if people do something that pushes my buttons, i just have to understand that, that's just how it is and to never do it. if it hurts people, don't do it. i'm grateful for the ability to feel this way and i pray i don't repeat my past mistakes, i pray for the ability to continuously learn.

i keep telling myself. maybe people repel away from you because you give off a very uncomfortable vibe. at the same time, there are people who gets excited when i'm around and i'm grateful for people like these. i truly am. is it because i am an introvert, i don't prefer wide social interactions? i have no idea. i just want friends. there's so much i want to do but i don't have friends to do them with. sad. but...

i also want to thank Allah for iman, fareeha and mashitah. they are the reason why my life is so vibrant. their mentality, their thinking is so beautiful, i feel appreciated that i am a part of what's in their head. i might feel sad about a lot of things lately. but i should also constantly thank Allah for beautiful people in my life. people who still cherish me. people who still care for me. alhamdulillah. alhamdulillah. alhamdulillah.

i would also like to thanks my significant other for going through everything with me. i pray he becomes the best he can be.

alessia cara - i guess that's why they call it the blues