Updates!

Assalamualaikum and good afternoon. I am now in DVM 5, which is my final year of vet school. Okay, the past few months have been crazy for me. Despite that, i feel like everything in my life has been shifted in a good way where i am better able to discover myself and truly value things and people in my life.
Here's this, life is crazy and always will be. I am living proof of that. As a summary, i will never tolerate the people i once tolerated before. I dont see myself thriving as a person when im around certain people. I will not be scared to admit this but if i dont talk or look at you, then we are done.
You have costed my mental health. You have cause shedding of tears. I will never spend all of this anymore on the people i thought valued me in the past.
I have been doing things and discovering things alone and i love it.

To the people who impacted my life in a bad way, get the fuck out and STAY the fuck out of my life.

in my head.

Salam and hi everyone. Right now, I have never felt more alone. I feel so hollow. Some say that I need professional help. honestly, i dont think i need one. i just dont appreciate the people around me enough for me to feel content. i dont appreciate people enough to see that they do love me. i keep seeking love from one person, and one person only. i let that person define my worth and that was the biggest mistake i could ever do to myself. because i wasnt so used to receiving love from other people, when people pour some of it into me, i start to only see it coming from one person and one person only. where is my self worth? what is wrong with me?

but, i have to realise that everything that is happening is because Allah loves me. a friend said, "Allah uji sebab Allah sayang", and i started crying even more because i dont see things that way. i just think that all the bad and the good comes from me, when actually Allah is the one controlling it all. i have to realise that Allah is saving me from what could be the worst thing in my life. worthlessness. emptiness. be sad because you were ungrateful, instead of being sad because of the situation itself. 

i should appreciate some time for myself. maybe, this is exactly what i need (:

Ramadhan, are you leaving?

hi and salam everyone! today, as im procrastinating in studying equine medicine, i shall write a few of my thoughts regarding my ramadhan experience this year. first of all, alhamdulillah, Allah gave me the opportunity to experience ramadhan once again this year as i realise that many dont have the opportunity to because it's their time to be called back home before/in the holy month of ramadhan. Alhamdulillah.

I was always so worried about myself and my ibadaah. i know that i have always been inconsistent in maintaining it. i dont want to give reasonings such as lack of time, it's not compulsory etc etc as an excuse when actually im just plain lazy. the fear is there and i think it will always stay that way. it's beautiful how in ramadhan you can see people trying their best to become better, and i hope that i can be one of those people. frankly, up until today (24 ramadhan), i am still inconsistent with my ibadah but i know that it is improving as compared to before. therefore, i pray very hard for istiqamah in my ibadaah. with the people around me supporting me in my change, i can never thank Allah enough. He is the best and He will always want the best for me.

yesterday, my friends and I went to kuala lumpur to settle our visa applications for our bangladesh trip this end of june. i remember the conversation we had in the car before zuhur prayer,

friend 1: so where should we go?
friend 2: i dont mind, im not from here. anywhere should be fine.
me: we can have a go at utm. and just look around their campus.
friend 1: okay, lets go

*went around utm, being mesmerised as it is small campus but hey, they are equipped with everything + they have a mall just for the students and everything is cheap!*

friend 1: so where should we go next?
me: can we go to the mosque and take a quick afternoon nap? i'll get moody if i dont
friend 2: oh i guess we're the same then, i must sleep for a bit
friend 1: hmm which mosque do you guys prefer?
friend 2: dont they have a mosque in utm?
me: yeah! they must have
friend 1: oh they do, lets go

we took a short, 20 minutes nap just before zuhur prayer. after the azan, we prayed. while waiting for my other 2 friends, i decided to read the quran as i am way left behind. i figured, it's okay if i dont get to finish the quran, it is as long as i still try. if i dont try, my ramadhan would be wasted. as i was reading the quran, one friend joined and then comes the other. and in that moment, i remember having a smile on my face. it was very mutual, it was very spiritual, it was just a different level of connection.

i could go on and on about what i went through this whole month, but the short story above basically reflects everything. why?

1) we went to busy busy KL to settle our visa applications. this indirectly reflects the fact that we had classes of long hours during ramadhan as well as clinical rotations. this just reflects how busy we are in carrying our daily responsibilities as a student.

2) we took some time off from our daily responsibilities by taking a quick nap, praying and reading the quran. it is a direct reflection of what we've ALL been doing this ramadhan. it's just a way of God telling us that, "why not take a rest with me? i'll be here for you". because immediately after we take a break, we feel energised again to proceed with our daily undertakings.

it's just beautiful.

before i close off this entry, i just want to remind myself and everyone else that although eid is around the corner, the last 10 nights of ramadhan is very essential, very spiritual and very intimate. so let us finish this ramadhan off beautifully with practicing good deeds so that we will have a blast during hari raya aidilfitri. no guilt, just a lot of fun!

Update.

hi everyone. wow, it's been so long since i wrote anything on here. but, i'm back here mostly because i am trying my best to not go back to the socials. why? because it took so much of my time. i know some will disagree and say that i cant prioritise well. but hey, if its not good for me, its not good for me and there's that. also, i've been feeling so much better without it.

anyway, the reason for my writing is just to express how i'm feeling. i want to stop depending on other people to care for how i feel. you cant force people to care about you, they also have things to think about. lately, i have been feeling so lonely. there are always people around me, maybe not the right ones? i have no idea and i really don't have a say in this. it gets confusing because sometimes i prefer being alone which leads me to blame myself on why i feel lonely most of the time. but then again, if i'm surrounded by the wrong people no matter how hard i try, i will still feel lonely.

it gets so much worse when i am on my period. i am already insecure as it is, when i am on my period, the feeling just doubles. i have tried multiple things to distract myself, i want to feel good all the time but most of the time, i just end up crying my feelings out. it gets really sad because i realise that i have no one to talk to. most of the time, i feel sorry for myself and just end up distancing myself from people even more. this semester has been crazy for me. i feel more like myself, i feel more comfortable in my own skin now but in reality, it just makes me feel worse. i feel more. and i'm not sure if that is what rational people do. i am sad all the time and i don't know what to do. i enjoy sad songs, i enjoy sad movies, i just enjoy everything that is sad only because i can relate to it.

lately, i have been less angry to other people and try to understand that nobody is perfect especially myself. so if people do something that pushes my buttons, i just have to understand that, that's just how it is and to never do it. if it hurts people, don't do it. i'm grateful for the ability to feel this way and i pray i don't repeat my past mistakes, i pray for the ability to continuously learn.

i keep telling myself. maybe people repel away from you because you give off a very uncomfortable vibe. at the same time, there are people who gets excited when i'm around and i'm grateful for people like these. i truly am. is it because i am an introvert, i don't prefer wide social interactions? i have no idea. i just want friends. there's so much i want to do but i don't have friends to do them with. sad. but...

i also want to thank Allah for iman, fareeha and mashitah. they are the reason why my life is so vibrant. their mentality, their thinking is so beautiful, i feel appreciated that i am a part of what's in their head. i might feel sad about a lot of things lately. but i should also constantly thank Allah for beautiful people in my life. people who still cherish me. people who still care for me. alhamdulillah. alhamdulillah. alhamdulillah.

i would also like to thanks my significant other for going through everything with me. i pray he becomes the best he can be.

alessia cara - i guess that's why they call it the blues