Ramadhan, are you leaving?

hi and salam everyone! today, as im procrastinating in studying equine medicine, i shall write a few of my thoughts regarding my ramadhan experience this year. first of all, alhamdulillah, Allah gave me the opportunity to experience ramadhan once again this year as i realise that many dont have the opportunity to because it's their time to be called back home before/in the holy month of ramadhan. Alhamdulillah.

I was always so worried about myself and my ibadaah. i know that i have always been inconsistent in maintaining it. i dont want to give reasonings such as lack of time, it's not compulsory etc etc as an excuse when actually im just plain lazy. the fear is there and i think it will always stay that way. it's beautiful how in ramadhan you can see people trying their best to become better, and i hope that i can be one of those people. frankly, up until today (24 ramadhan), i am still inconsistent with my ibadah but i know that it is improving as compared to before. therefore, i pray very hard for istiqamah in my ibadaah. with the people around me supporting me in my change, i can never thank Allah enough. He is the best and He will always want the best for me.

yesterday, my friends and I went to kuala lumpur to settle our visa applications for our bangladesh trip this end of june. i remember the conversation we had in the car before zuhur prayer,

friend 1: so where should we go?
friend 2: i dont mind, im not from here. anywhere should be fine.
me: we can have a go at utm. and just look around their campus.
friend 1: okay, lets go

*went around utm, being mesmerised as it is small campus but hey, they are equipped with everything + they have a mall just for the students and everything is cheap!*

friend 1: so where should we go next?
me: can we go to the mosque and take a quick afternoon nap? i'll get moody if i dont
friend 2: oh i guess we're the same then, i must sleep for a bit
friend 1: hmm which mosque do you guys prefer?
friend 2: dont they have a mosque in utm?
me: yeah! they must have
friend 1: oh they do, lets go

we took a short, 20 minutes nap just before zuhur prayer. after the azan, we prayed. while waiting for my other 2 friends, i decided to read the quran as i am way left behind. i figured, it's okay if i dont get to finish the quran, it is as long as i still try. if i dont try, my ramadhan would be wasted. as i was reading the quran, one friend joined and then comes the other. and in that moment, i remember having a smile on my face. it was very mutual, it was very spiritual, it was just a different level of connection.

i could go on and on about what i went through this whole month, but the short story above basically reflects everything. why?

1) we went to busy busy KL to settle our visa applications. this indirectly reflects the fact that we had classes of long hours during ramadhan as well as clinical rotations. this just reflects how busy we are in carrying our daily responsibilities as a student.

2) we took some time off from our daily responsibilities by taking a quick nap, praying and reading the quran. it is a direct reflection of what we've ALL been doing this ramadhan. it's just a way of God telling us that, "why not take a rest with me? i'll be here for you". because immediately after we take a break, we feel energised again to proceed with our daily undertakings.

it's just beautiful.

before i close off this entry, i just want to remind myself and everyone else that although eid is around the corner, the last 10 nights of ramadhan is very essential, very spiritual and very intimate. so let us finish this ramadhan off beautifully with practicing good deeds so that we will have a blast during hari raya aidilfitri. no guilt, just a lot of fun!

Update.

hi everyone. wow, it's been so long since i wrote anything on here. but, i'm back here mostly because i am trying my best to not go back to the socials. why? because it took so much of my time. i know some will disagree and say that i cant prioritise well. but hey, if its not good for me, its not good for me and there's that. also, i've been feeling so much better without it.

anyway, the reason for my writing is just to express how i'm feeling. i want to stop depending on other people to care for how i feel. you cant force people to care about you, they also have things to think about. lately, i have been feeling so lonely. there are always people around me, maybe not the right ones? i have no idea and i really don't have a say in this. it gets confusing because sometimes i prefer being alone which leads me to blame myself on why i feel lonely most of the time. but then again, if i'm surrounded by the wrong people no matter how hard i try, i will still feel lonely.

it gets so much worse when i am on my period. i am already insecure as it is, when i am on my period, the feeling just doubles. i have tried multiple things to distract myself, i want to feel good all the time but most of the time, i just end up crying my feelings out. it gets really sad because i realise that i have no one to talk to. most of the time, i feel sorry for myself and just end up distancing myself from people even more. this semester has been crazy for me. i feel more like myself, i feel more comfortable in my own skin now but in reality, it just makes me feel worse. i feel more. and i'm not sure if that is what rational people do. i am sad all the time and i don't know what to do. i enjoy sad songs, i enjoy sad movies, i just enjoy everything that is sad only because i can relate to it.

lately, i have been less angry to other people and try to understand that nobody is perfect especially myself. so if people do something that pushes my buttons, i just have to understand that, that's just how it is and to never do it. if it hurts people, don't do it. i'm grateful for the ability to feel this way and i pray i don't repeat my past mistakes, i pray for the ability to continuously learn.

i keep telling myself. maybe people repel away from you because you give off a very uncomfortable vibe. at the same time, there are people who gets excited when i'm around and i'm grateful for people like these. i truly am. is it because i am an introvert, i don't prefer wide social interactions? i have no idea. i just want friends. there's so much i want to do but i don't have friends to do them with. sad. but...

i also want to thank Allah for iman, fareeha and mashitah. they are the reason why my life is so vibrant. their mentality, their thinking is so beautiful, i feel appreciated that i am a part of what's in their head. i might feel sad about a lot of things lately. but i should also constantly thank Allah for beautiful people in my life. people who still cherish me. people who still care for me. alhamdulillah. alhamdulillah. alhamdulillah.

i would also like to thanks my significant other for going through everything with me. i pray he becomes the best he can be.

alessia cara - i guess that's why they call it the blues