chemistry

Negativity is present everywhere that you can actually feel its dark power while positivity hides in the most sneaky places for us to seek.
I guess that is just life, to seek positivity within these negativity surrounding us.

I learned in chemistry that electrons (negatively charged particles) surround the nucleus.
Its like us being the nucleus, so powerful yet so weak letting electrons surround us.
BUT, we should never forget that inside the nucleus contains protons (positively charged particles).
It is in us but we choose to let negativity surround us.

I've been dealing with negativity all my life that I am immune to it. I am not sure if that is a good thing. Well, maybe it is because I dont get depressed about these negativity around me.
I know, everyone else deals with it as well.
This is just to remind you that there is always positivity inside of you, NEVER forget that.

Being called fat? "Heh, who cares, I just have extra warmth and the gift of being curvy."
Being called short? "Heh, im super cute."
Being called dark? "At least I have pigments."
Being called noisy? "There are different people in this world, and I am pretty confident that one day my voice is going to make a change."

You know yourself, so why let others influence you? You know how confident you are? Hamdalillah, Allah lent it to you. Also, some things are completely involuntary. We dont get to choose how we want to shape ourselves. We dont get to choose the traits and characteristics we want in ourselves. We just have to accept ourselves and other people. That is just who I am-- that is just how they are (:

confusion.

Confusion is what we feel when we tend to lose (a little bit) of faith to Allah.

Confusion is something that shaitaan likes, and encourages us even more to feel it.

For a person like me, I get confused a lot but that does not mean that I am losing faith in Allah, no (i really hope its not!). In life, certain people tend to confuse me with the things they say, the things they do and most important the way they think (opinions i mean). To live without this would be nice but what is life then if you dont mingle with other people? What is life without challenges, or in this case confusions to overcome? Now, I am more confused.

It is also scary how I tend to make decisions all the time, and when I do, I usually regret it. That is scary, so scary. The reason why I dare myself to write this out is because I've been through it and confusion being my best friend haunts me all the time because I am never sure if what I feel/what I do is right at that specific moment.

Which is why sometimes (most of the time), I prefer spending time on my own where I feel calm with my own thoughts. Introvert is the word but at the same time, I dont mind expressing what I have to say in public because really nobody is going to care on what you have to say about certain things unless it is against the religion (lets avoid that).

What I learnt in 2014 is that, nobody actually cares about you so everything you do, everything you wear, everything you think, everything you feel are for yourself and nobody else. I tend to be so amazed when I see people who are so determined to get what they want out of life. Failure and confusion are just the little (not so little i guess) things they have to face to learn the meaning of struggling.

Confusion makes me ask myself; how am I a better slave (of Allah)? how am I a better daughter? how am I a better friend? how am I a better student? - I wouldnt say these questions make you depressed, but they actually do. This is also over-thinking and shaitaan loves that more than anything because it is so easy for them to sneak in and overpower myself. 

So now im confused, should I sit back & relax or think all about all these things?

Wow

As I was studying, a thought attacked me so hard that it made me realize that my life is not about myself. It is never about myself.

Life is about someone else's life. Then, will life be lively. As a muslim, we carry out ibadah and that ibadah is dedicated to Allah SWT, for us to gain Allah's love. We achieve success in life to prove to our parents that we can repay what they went through (well maybe not all of it but at least 1/4 of it insyaAllah). We take care of each other's feelings by not letting their hearts get hurt. We buy things and the money we paid increases one's economy thus making them happy. We would do anything to make our pets happy although they have no idea how much we've spent. We try 'hard' to look pretty and presentable to please other people.

I can give you tons of example on the fact that this life we have is never for ourselves.

Maybe that is what makes life sweet.

The feeling of making other people increase in self development indirectly.

The feeling of having a purpose to strive in this life and the akhirah.

If this life was completely for ourselves, I personally dont think that our parents would carry out their responsibilities as parents. Job as parents are not easy and yes, it is tiring. (no ive never experienced it before). The fact that they know that the life that Allah grant them is not for them, instead it is dedicated to their children in order to gain Allah's pleasure. Once again, THIS life is never for ourselves.

If this life was for ourselves, would Jihad play a role in our lives?

Think about it.

Jealousy and hatred

Everyone goes through this phase, literally. No matter how nice a person can be, this is still a phase that we have to go through. Why, you ask? Because Allah is testing your heart. You heart is the central of everything, besides the brain though. Once the heart is damaged, every part of your body follows. Jealousy and hatred is something that sets a bar of who you really are. It is a bad feeling to have because without it, you'll be in complete solace, surreal solace. Honestly, fighting between good feelings and bad feelings is a true struggle because when the good ones win, you can daringly claim that your life, is perfect. I hate jealousy and hatred. Even expressing that uses the word 'hate' so I am pretty confident that you're telling a white lie if you say you are clean from hatred and jealousy :P

I know I could be vlogging about this, but trust me, the video can get up to one hour. Virtually writing this down would help. One question for you (just because I went through it), do you ever get jealous seeing your friend studying? Do you hate your friend when he/she obtains more marks than you do? Do you ever just get jealous of your friend because he/she has so much more than you do? All of this leads to you saying, "it's be fun if I was her" and "i think life is hopeless, everyone hates me". Whoa whoa, what is up with that (-) energy? Right now, I will try to help you rejuvenate yourself, though I am not sure if that is a suitable word to use :P

First, know your intentions. You study for the sake of Allah, for the sake of wanting more ilm' (knowledge) and for the sake of increasing self development. Know that different people have different methods of studying so dont stress. Sit down, write down the things YOU have to do, have a look at it and carry it out. Whatever other people want to do, let them be because this is all about YOU. Sometimes, you dont have to carry the weight of the world on your shoulders, just carry your own weight and let the ground carry the weight of others. In your head, dedicate everything to Allah and you'll be as peaceful as the river. When you see other people studying, dont panic, because you dont know what they did in the past or, what they are planning in the future. Maybe you have studied before, she hasnt and maybe you're going to study later, shes not. Always come up with 70 excuses (husnuzzon) before jealousy and hatred pops up. You know your own effort so, leave it all to Allah. If you still feel scared and fearful of what others are doing, then you might have to check back with your faith in Allah SWT. But im sure its a good one. just punch the shaitaan in a bit and you will be fine!

To calm your heart further, it shouldnt harm to tell your friend words of sweetness, for example,

"I know how much you've struggled. InsyaAllah, you will get what you want in life. Amin!"

or

"InsyaAllah 4.0 flat!"

or

"I know you are going to get it, what matters is the effort and Allah loves those who strive for His sake"

Trust me, when these words are uttered, you'll be the most calm out of everyone. La tahzan, friend.

In terms of other situations like, you get jealous seeing other people who prettier/more handsome than you, an excellent way for you stay away from hatred and jealousy is for you to first, KNOW and BELIEVE that all the beauty of the world comes from Allah SWT and immediately realize that YOU ARE one of the beauty. Second, give them praises, uttered words, good or bad, are dua'. When you praise others, insyaAllah it goes back to you. 

I am sorry for not making this post into detail because I am literally using this free time I have to blog and i miss this. I literally have math class in approximately 7 more minutes and my best friend (nurul diyana) is literally beside me surveying on scholarships for medicine for her degree. So yeah, pray for our success and insyaAllah we'll pray for you as well.

Bye, assalamualaykum!

Allah, humans and animals

Alhamdulillah, to be honest, I cant believe the fact that I made through to foundation especially here in UPM after all the years of dreaming being a part of the foundation community.
It still feels like im in a dream, im literally a step away from stepping into the world of veterinary. However, it is difficult the fact that we have to compete with each other for a spot here. I know everyone have different interests but I frankly feel that everyone wants to be a part of the veterinary community. It was difficult to grow up as a kid who loves animals. I seriously don’t get why the society actually underestimate the capability of animals. If I were to witness an accident involving a cow and a man, I will try my best to help both but my heart will always want to help the cow more. I seriously think that animals contribute a lot to the world that when they are not present, everything else is in interference. There must be a specific reason why Allah SWT created them, Allah SWT could just create us if he wants but he chose to create these animals for us. Yes, humans are the best of creations but we are the best of creations because everything else around us, like animals and plants, actually contribute to that fact. For example, our ancestors wouldn’t have clothes and food if animals weren’t present. They willed themselves to be slaughtered just to fulfill the hunger of us, humans. Don’t you sometimes sit and wonder, do animals actually make more sacrifices for us humans just because they obey Allah SWT more than we do? Wow.

Last week, our class representative showed us a video about animals being in complete supplication and ready to be slaughtered when asmaAllah was whispered to their ears and it literally blew me away. That person in the video said that animals are actually more pious than we are, and they don’t even have the best of al-aqlu(minds). Its so heart touching. In the Quran, Allah mentioned that the sounds made by the wind, rain, animals and plants are actually zikr, remembrance of Allah Taala. If you were to take a stroll in the morning, think about this, and listen to all the zikr around you. Allah also mentioned that those who think of Allah and His creations while standing, sitting and even lying down are the people who actually think (ulul albab). You might think that to be a part of the ulul albab is to be full of wisdom and experience but no my friend, you just have to be a humble slave, look around you and think deeply of the wisdoms of all these creations. I am naïve, I do not know much but when I start to think of all the things around me, serenity and inner peace overpowers me. One of the reason why I would rather walk to Pusat Asasi everyday now.

So, why veterinary?
Being a veterinarian is not an easy task, considering all the conflicts of touching the haraam and the functionality of being a veterinarian in the society. Learning the anatomy of animals is also not easy. Im not sure of this love I have for animals is actually a different level of love or so, but I believe that only some people have it and these are the people that I can connect most with (except my mum though, she doesn’t fancy animals but I can connect to her the most besides Allah SWT ). Generally, every kindness, directly or indirectly, deserves a reward from Allah SWT. Being kind and loving to animals is also an act of worship, you get rewards for that heck animals even pray for you when you do good to them. You never know if the prayers they make to Allah SWT for you are one of the reason for your success. Allah..

Animals are here to give us reminders on why we are here in this dunya before the akhirah. Animals are here to remind us of gratefulness. Yes, they carry out zikr as well to Allah SWT and they are guaranteed to be in heaven but we have the opportunity to pray to Allah SWT, to tell Allah SWT everything and I am positive that they would do anything to have that opportunity. We should be grateful for that blessing. Animals are here to remind us on the punishments Allah ordains if we disobey Him. For example, snakes, poisonous insects, carnivores etc do remind us of the akhirah. We have heard tons of stories about snakes waiting in one’s grave due to negligence of their 5 daily prayers. Allah. Most importantly, animals are here to give love a little bit of life. Humans take love for granted. Thus, they are here to tell us that love is all we need. If we love each other, jealousy, fights, black magic etc wouldn’t have occurred. The term “if” is bad, I know, but if these animals expect us to love them, what more of humans? That is why we should try our very best to treat everyone around us with a fair level of kindness. We are the best of creations, right?
I could literally go on and on about the wisdoms behind the existence of animals but I think I should stop. I want you to think about it (: I don’t even want to go deep into plants, they basically contribute to everything! Happy thinking. Salam.

New video

Heh

Enough is never enough. Everyone is tired of being tired.
Heh princess lullabies never fails to make me ponder on what is happening around me. I find it funny how people have different priorities. Why do we have different priorities? Some have priorities over the littlest things that truly means nothing to an another individual. At times, some people don’t actually realize that they prioritize something so much that it is actually a part of their lives. Well, what’s definite is that not everyone will like what I choose to prioritize. Each time I meet new people, I would always try to look deep in their hearts and figure our their backstory. What have they been through? What made them the person they are today? It would be inspiring to actually listen to what everyone has gone through. It might be tiring but it will always leave a mark on me. The reason why I love doing this is because I need clarification and justification on the things that people actually do. People dont just like or dislike things for no reason, everything comes with experience, a backstory. Why are they so weird? Why are they so quiet? Why are so loud and confident? Why is this so important? I would love for myself to stop being judgmental on how other people are behaving. No matter how much I assume and want people to perceive that I am not judgmental, deep down I am. The term first impressions are actually judgments.
Recently, Ive been getting closer to my fellow classmates which I never actually tried to care about in the last semester. Alhamdulillah Allah has given me the chance to get to know them better. It is never a regret to hear what they have gone through. Believe it or not, tears are shed. I know I am emotional, I get so tangled up on what a person has gone through by looking at them from afar, constantly laughing and trying so hard to make other people perceive that they are happy and cheerful. That fact makes me cry to myself. Yes, it is not even my problem but a little bit of empathy wouldn’t hurt, would it?
I admit, life would be wasteful if I never actually get to know more people. I used to hate socializing with other people because I used to think that I did not have the things that  they have. But no, people have gone through far worst. It makes me realize that I do have everything. I have all the love I need, there is no need to be sad. The reason why I feel like everything is never enough is due to the fact that I am never grateful with the things I have and I constantly take them for granted which will then affect my own self. Which means that I am wasting all my sadness and tears for the things that are…stupid. Yes, stupid. Life IS too short to be sad, why be sad?
So um, test 1 just ended. Pray for me and fellow course mates, may we achieve the best. Now, let's strive for test 2! InsyaAllah.

cray cray room mates

a day before me brother took spm